A Cry Of Thanksgiving

Our Father in heaven is so wonderful. Why do I let myself get scared or worried? How do I fall into doubt, time and time again? He is the Great Provider. He always pulls me through. He delivers.
I cannot express my degree of thankfulness in this moment. No word or phrase could sum it up. Except my saying that no word or phrase could sum it up...
I reach such a low, and become a basket case and a train wreck. Constantly threading my fingers through my hair and stare off into the void with a panicked expression and a heart heavy with stress and worry. Will He hear my desperate prayer, my desperate cry for deliverance? He always does. He reaches down from heaven and wraps his arms around me. Embracing my lack of faith and renews it. Filling my body and soul with peace, lifting my heavy heart with His light.
My God and Father delivers me. He delivers me, his wayward child. His disobedient, rebellious, forgetfull, weak child. For this I am more thankful than I ever knew I could be. And yet, this thankfulness continues to grow, reaching immeasurable heights.

"1 Shout out praises to he Lord, all the earth!
2 Worship the Lord with joy! Enter his presence
with joyful singing.
3 Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us
and we belong to Him; we are His pasture.
4 Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His
courts with praise! Give Him thanks, praise
His name!
5 For the Lord is good. His loyal love endures,
and He is faithful through all the generations.:

Psalm 100

Day After Christmas

the silence. The inevitable silence of boarding this train carrying me to the border. Well, close enough to the border. Everything happens so quickly when you travel by some transportation company… I’m the sort of person to draw out goodbyes for as long as I can. Though I have found that this is not necessarily easier or more painless. In the end, the goodbye is just as painful and just as hard. Perhaps, even more so. I leave behind me waving hands and smiling faces. Full of love and sadness, mirroring my own waving hands and smiling face. A sinking feeling hits as I see their backs turn from me, leaving, to get in their cars. They’ll go home to other loved ones, and the sadness will melt away. They might remember the sadness, but it wont feel nearly as bad while they are surrounded with warm faces. I envy them that. I’ll sit here, on this train, amid strangers. Strangers who all have their own destinations, who sit in their own little isles reading things like,” Women’s Health Magazine” with a headline exclaiming,” Flat Sexy Abs!” Or the brothers directly across from me, sound asleep.
I am longing for the cold sensation of ocean water rolling over and under me as I share in its majestic marvels. To glide along a glassy wave, to fall into the cold, salty water and feel it’s bubbles floating up and around my body as I swim toward the surface. I’d even embrace a brain freeze from a wave hitting me face on.
The green hills, rolling and smooth, are slipping away now and the ocean is in view; Surf Beach. No turning back now. That chance was gone at exactly 7:21 a.m. This train is disgustingly always exactly on time. It came at 7:21 a.m. and by 7:22 a.m. I was sitting in a seat, waving and holding back a frown while my ticket was being punched.
Ugh it only makes it worse watching the waves rise and fall…. Noting at all the waves that are ride-able and imagining the feeling, the rush I would get when I first stand up and drop in. I just saw, literally, an amazing barrel. It was a little small to really fit inside… But it looked amazing. I always see them, but have never experienced riding one. Of being inside, with a salt water wall at my shoulder... The water is such an amazing color right now. A sort of tealish grey with brighter teal highlights. I swear that my phone is against me right now.

Haha. Before I boarded the train, I noticed that Dean had this freakishly long eyebrow hair sticking straight out of his eyebrow. I think that it was possibly the longest eyebrow hair that I have ever seen. I notified him as soon as it caught my eye. He told me straight away they he had a no tolerance policy regarding long eyebrow hairs and to pull it. I wasn’t ready to pull it. But I tried anyways. I failed. The end result was Dean thinking that I got the hair, when all I really did was give him watery eyes. I had to tell him the truth. He pulled it successfully. Then asked what was wrong with me that I couldn’t pull the hair myself. And why it hurt when I tried and not when he did. Adam and I just stood there laughing until our abs burned and our cheeks hurt.
I think that the people standing there will always remember that moment. They just stood there staring. They heard the whole conversation, eyebrow incident and all. The look on their faces only made me laugh harder. One day they will say,” hey remember that one time when we got on a train going out of Guadelupe? And there were those people, and the eyebrow…?? “ ( as most “remembers” are vague. ) Despite the vagueness, the other will exclaim,” Oh ya! That was so gross.” HAhahaha I truly hope so. Perhaps this is a silly thing to say… But in light of my leaving, it makes me laugh, and therefor less melancholy.

I’ve started to learn “The Meadow” song from New Moon. It is so pretty. I wish that I could be playing it right now. Feeling the smooth keys fall under my fingers. To feel my fingers slide over them as I transition from on octive to another. With school, I’ve had such a limited amount of time to do those sort of things.

I just saw two shipwrecked sail boats in the same little cove. I wonder what happened. Maybe I should write a story about what I think happened. That might make for an interesting short story.

AHHH!!!! I forgot my Dad and Lori’s Christmas gift!!!!! In that moment when I stood in my room thinking to myself,” Did I forget anything..???” Why, oh, WHY did my mind say,” No, I think you are good,”!?!?!?!! UGH☹ I wonder if I could get my parents to send it for me…?? Oh man, I am so sad. I wanna just run to the conductor and yell,” Stop! Turn around! I forgot something really important!” And in this daydream of a desire, he would actually turn around for me. Too bad that this is a daydream of a desire☹ I just realized, I couldn't have brought it with me anyways. It wasn't dry yet! Oh yay! Oh the panic...

Jesus is our Peace.

I had something meaningful to blog about the other day, but somewhere in the holiday rush I forgot to post and lost it. Whether or not it will be found again, will remain a mystery... Until, should I remember, I post it...Whatever it was.

(some gifts for this Christmas. Please excuse my hands... they have a tendency to get really dry and ugly in the winter:/ )


I can't believe that Christmas is just in four short days... So crazy... Well five, if you actually count Christmas morning. I feel ill prepared and lost in the flurry of Christmas activity. I can't believe that I was able to finish shopping for three people in an hour the other day... Including, going into the mall... No matter how lame a mall is (cough*, like ours, cough cough**), they always seem to fill with people, all sharing the same mission; Christmas shopping... I always try to make as many of my gifts as possible. I have had so much fun with that this year! Including a piece of art done in pastels:) I love the feeling of pastel stain fingers... Or charcoal stained fingers. I love the feeling it gives me. A sort of satisfying excitement of accomplishment.

I seemed to have pulled a muscle or strained a tendon in my right shoulder. It is driving me insane. Even the smallest of movements seems to send a little pain through my upper arm. How I did this exactly, I have no idea. Ugh, it is so nagging!

I heard something in church today that really stuck with me. I loved the whole sermon! Our pastor is really wonderful. But this phrase really stuck to my heart," Jesus is our peace." There is something deep and profound about that short phrase. Something that just strums the right chord in your heart, mind, and soul: Gratitude, joy, happiness, love, thankfulness, reverence, honor... Our Lord is so great and compassionate to us, His disobedient children. He sent His son into this world to live among and gather up his straying children... The great shepherd. Sent him, to suffer and die for our sins. Christ took the full burden of our Heavenly Father's wrath, to save us. Christ suffered, but so did the Father. He sent his unblemished lamb into the world, to suffer his hand to save people who were drowning in sin... Living it... Our Lord is so compassionate and forgiving, to give us a second chance at life.

His strenghth

1 Give thanks to the LORD! Call on his name! Make known his accomplishments among the nations!
2 Sing to him! Make music to him! Tell about all his miraculous deeds!
3 Boast about his holy name! Let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice!
4 Seek the LORD and the strength he gives! Seek his presence continually!
Psalms 106:1-4

(Belated) Post On Traveling

A Post on Traveling.

As I pass all these cars in the dark, I wonder where all these people are going to and where they came from. How similar or opposite are their starting points and destinations from my own..? All around me are red and white lights, streaming in the darkness. I am peaceful.. My ears are filled with my ipod’s eccentric range of music (more specifically, the soundtrack to New Moon. It is delicious. Give it a listen) and my stomach of Starbucks.

I took two Dramamine to aid my motion sickness. Consequently, I slept for a bit… I think two hours or so… The drowsy, loopiness has somewhat worn off, and is not so strong as to affect my coherency. I think that I sent a few text messages that were nothing short of confusing. As soon as I gained some logical thought, I sent out a text message apologizing for my incoherency. Haha.
We are all occupied with our own diversions: Jake with his ipod, Mom with her knitting and ipod, Dean with sports radio, Noelle and Carter with a movie on the portable, and Holly is crying (hopefully falling asleep soon). I have always hated being in the car. It has always been hard. Stuck in a tiny space (usually surrounded and packed tightly in with stuff)… Closterphobia and anxiousness set in, making it all the more un-enjoyable and obnoxious. (As well as uncomfortable.) But recently I have been enjoying it a bit more. It gives me time to think. To reflect on the things I don’t have the time to reflect on, on a normal, daily basis.
Right now I am thinking about our Sunday sermon this morning. My pastor talked about the blessing of work given to man to glorify our Heavenly Father. Whatever form our work takes, should be done in and for His glory and not for our own. As well as done in His strength and not our own feeble, inefficient strength. This last week for school was so incredibly hard. I took a test that I was nowhere near ready for. I am thinking about all the late nights that I spent up, bent over my book trying to figure out what in the world a truth table was, and how to do it both successfully and correctly. My mind was so frazzled with sorties. I was so frustrated. All through the test I was thinking about how much I had relied on my own strength in preparation for that test. If only I had prayed more before I studied for it, and looked at it as another way to glorify my God… I know it would have gone better. Though I am thankful for the section of the test that I didn’t have a hard time with… I just stressed and made it ten times worse for myself that it should have been. I can only pray and hope for the best as far as my grade goes for this last test. If it isn’t good, I am hoping that I can make up for it in the two tests to come. While, hopefully, relying on God’s strength and not my own…
It is so funny and slightly weird to see all these major company buildings towering above us as we drive by: WB, Mission Avocados (mMm), Disney… They look strangely empty. (ADD: Avacodos sound so good.) I can’t imagine working for a place like that. I don’t think I could find much joy in it, or love it at all. (Though hopefully, in the influence of the previous paragraph, I would still work for His glory). I'd much rather use the skills and talents that I have been blessed with. Using them to their fullest capacity to glorify God. Though, I suppose that some people are gifted with office work mentality… I just know that that is not where I have been called. Haha. I think the Dramamine is still in effect. I am not making much sense or sticking to a topic. I am kind of all over the place.
I love zoning out and listening to all the individual instruments in each song I listen to. (Again, The New Moon soundtrack is delicious. Give it a taste.)

Whispers Of The Wind

The wind whispered through the trees
Like the melting of snow.
Together they shook and shuddered
And whispered amongst each other.
And I, passing by, stopped and took a gander,
To listen and watch as they whispered together.
Reaching down a golden branch,
One handed me a silver leaf.
I held it to the wind and listened
As it sang me sweet songs of light and peace.
I looked on in gratitude
As the trees whispered on...
And listened in thankfulness
To each note in the silvery leaf's song.

Transperant

What is it about driving at night that is so soothing to the mind? Somehow, whenever I drive at night, I always seem to fall deep into the melody of thought. My thoughts drift like the changing of the sea, into different moods and different lights. Sometimes music, softly spilling from my radio, like Coldplay's Yellow, create the perfect back drop to the blurs of nature and structures and light as I fly by them. Though sometimes, I prefer to be in silence. In silence, with nothing but the sound of my tires treading asphalt and the wind I create as my move. I find the red and white lights illuminated by the cars, passing and driving with me, to be strangely warming. When I drive at night, I always feel like I am moving faster. That I have entered a time warp of sorts. And as my thoughts drift on, the lights of the cars moving around me melt into bright, flashing blurs... Defined against the blackness of the night sky. Driving becomes more of a sub-conscious action as I fade out of reality. I signal to turn off the free way, and it is nothing more than pure method driving me. For my mind has gone. Gone wandering to different lands... Skipping from the life of one thought to another. Somehow, though I can scarcely be considered coherent, I manage to slow down and stop at the designated times, turn where and when I need to, and end up where I initially started off to. Despite the fact that my mind has really forgotten all about where I was headed.

Time

The sparkle of a smile, the music of a laugh.
The reuniting of loved ones,
Together in the bliss of comfort and warmth.
Pass around the cups for tea
And come sit down close beside me.
Share in a whisper and a wink,
Tell me a tale while we finish our drinks.
And we'll close the distance of time.
For I longed for this day when you would once again be mine.
Away from bullets and ashes and sorrow.

Seasonal Mix up, yet Seasonal Tidings

A sudden rush and a tiny flutter
as little wings wrap around her finger.
The maiden voyage of springs new life,
in the dawn of mornings first light.

Not at all accurate for this current glorious season of golden hues ad ruby reds.
However, I thought of it today, and felt like sharing it with the world.

ADD moment: I bought this vintage skirt today that I have been watching
on eBay. Or rather my parents bought it for me. Oh how lovely they are.
Initially the skirt was for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I'll wear it much more
than that... Now I just need to figure out what top to wear with it... Perhaps thrift store shopping is in order:)

Autumn And Somethings I Adore

Autumn always brings a fresh wave of artistic charm that never fails to inspire me. I find reflection in God's wondrous creation and a silent beauty in the changing trees that fails for words. I have been missing the sound of rain, and am now happy to say that I have been able to bask in it a few times in the last week. Today, as the first few drops of rain hit my windshield, I turned off my radio and listened to the rain instead. I even hesitated in the rain, relishing the cold sensation, before heading to dry land. Somehow, despite the cold, wet of rain it almost felt warm.

Some things that I am adoring this glorious season:

Falling asleep to Auto-bible (on my phone)
Corduroys paired with a flannel and ballet flats
Layering tanks, shirts, sweaters, jackets, and funky tights
English or Earl Grey Tea with cream and honey
Jane Austen's novels
An art book that I rented from the school library (that I have until the 2nd of November)
The sound of cellos

Abortion: Tested Like Lab Rats

*An embryo is the earliest stage of human development. Virtually every text book (besides the ones for pro-murder), state that," Fertilization marks the beginning of life in the new individual human being."*

Not only is abortion murder but it also uses humans (yes they are humans, no matter how small, or how "developed" they are) for lab experimentation. Human embryos are destroyed every day, and used for testing every day. And can you believe that they have legalized this?! It's not acceptable to use "full grown" human beings for testing, even for the simplest things like shampoo or lotion... But its okay to rip a child from the womb of its mother, and then transport it to a lab where it is frozen and used for experimentation. As if that isn't enough, the ones that they don't use are thrown in the trash. The trash!

The argument that ESCR (Embryotic Stem Cell Research) presents over this whole deal, is funding. (Serious? Funding?) Because such an organization kills human beings, they don't want taxpayers to fund it. They don't want taxpayers to fund murder. By this statement, ESCR openly admits that what they are doing IS MURDER. So, lets not let the public foot the bill... Never-mind that Embryotic stem cells are obtained by killing a child.

This doesn't occur to embryos alone... Partial birth abortion (which has also been legalized), ends in a dumpster. The abortion of a partially born child, who can feel everything, is literally ripping them to pieces. I can't even say that without tearing up. Imagine the amount of pain... Then, like a fish, they are wrapped in newspaper and thrown away.

Every time I see the precious face of a baby, I think of the millions being murdered and want to just grab every baby near me, and hold them tight. The thought that this going on, daily, makes me sick to my stomach.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."
Psalms 127:3-5

Strength

" In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, you have been grieved by various trials. So that the testing of your faith-- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
8 Though you do not now see him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome
of your faith, the salvation of your souls."
1 Peter 1:1

I found this verse and wanted to share it with you all. What it is saying is so wonderful and joyful, despite our trials, that I almost can't wrap my mind around it. In this verse I found strength and love and truth. I hope it is a comfort and a blessing to you all as well.

<3

Hello blog world.

I am so tired, but unable to sleep right now! Over tired? Possibly.

I would like to share with you all what I do to keep myself busy on nights like these. Share all the places I visit, the music I listen to, and the things I sit here and covet (though I know it is a sin and I shouldn't covet... and yet, I can't help it sometimes!)

I am adoring these vintage sites Dear Golden Vintage and Peace Love and Pretty Dresses I have a few vintage things... but most are sort of mod... I'd love to be able to convert my WHOLE wardrobe into glorious vintage style. However, my pockets aren't that deep.

Two blogs that I love reading Rockstar Diaries and All This Happiness

For those of kindred spirit; For those of you who are tea lovers, The Tea Source. They have such wonderful, delightful teas!

As for music, I am favoring Fleet Foxes at the moment. And am also currently listening to them.

One last one! I am a part of this event slash project, called The October Dress Project. It is really neat! Give it a gander:)

The other day as I was driving to drop my little sister off at her horse back riding lessons, a perfectly crisp maple leaf flew onto my window and got caught under my wipers. My little friend stayed with me for quite a while before losing to the wind. I was so happy wit this little friend of mine, I was all smiles. It is fall. I love it!

Break Of Dawn: A Light In Small Places

Last night, I couldn't sleep. Too many things were looming in my head. Though I suppose, that not all were looming, some were lovely and pleasant. Nevertheless, I couldn't sleep. Around 12:15 I stumbled awkwardly, and somewhat nervously, through the darkened house. I got to the hall way and stared into the black before me. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. I wasn't afraid. Not in the boogie man sense anyhow. I was afraid that I would stumble over something and wake those sleeping soundly in their beds.
For a moment, I contemplated going back and getting my phone to light my way. I don't know why I didn't. I guess I was just too lazy to stumble all the way back to my room and back to the hallway again. I slowly walked, with wide eyes, and outstretched arms, through the hallway. (I think that I fully believe this: when you are "blind" your other senses become more alert). I was careful not to lift my feet to high, but instead sort of shuffled slowly, hoping to touch anything that might be in my way, and thus move around it. You know that tingly feeling you get when someone is watching you or you are closer to something than you realize? That's how I felt, walking through the hallway. When I realized, what I was close to was the linen cupboards. They became my guide, which transferred over to the wall, to the door, and to the bathroom counter.
It wasn't until after I flicked on the bathroom night light that I found the lesson hidden in this ordinary life event. I thought of how we are supposed to trust in God whether we are blindfolded or walking in broad light. It's more often than not, that when the lights go out, instead of walking in faith, I grovel about, fearful of what I might come across or experience. These times call for me to walk boldly forward, faithful that, like the linen cupboard, God will guide me in the darkness. And like the bathroom night light, though it may be faint perhaps, God will illuminate your road. Showing you where to go. So much of our walk of faith in Christ is blindfolded... We have no idea what His plan is... We only know as much as he reveals to us in His truth. Nevertheless, when I am walking and it suddenly goes dark, I panic.
I was suddenly thankful that I had not gone back for my phone (despite the fact that it was out of laziness). If I had gone back for it, I might have very well missed the lesson hidden in that short walk to the bathroom. I need to walk in faith when the darkness envelopes me. Boldly trusting in Christ the way I should. Abandon the fear and the groveling.
Even though His light might be hidden for a time, it will never fail to illuminate our lives. Much like the breaking of the dawn. The blackness will be pierced and scattered by His light.

Another Ten To Happiness

1. Drinking your weight in tea with friends
2. Ruby<3 (missing our Ruby and Fern chronicles dear:(
3. The way a finished art project feels
4. The free, fresh feeling of ditching make-up (though, not that I usually plaster make-up on anyways)
5. All my sketch pencils
6. Looking out the window in the early morning and seeing our street bathed in fog
7. Watching classic movies with actors and actresses like: Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, Carry Grant, Humphrey Bogart, Claudette Colbert, Clark Gable, Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds...etc,...
8. Bundle of letters tied in a ribbon
9. Dresses with ballet flats
10.My easel


Oh tea... How glorious thou art! Thy smooth goldenness cures many an affliction! Thine warmth goes down to the inner most parts, and blankets all in comfort!

Adore

I adore these Audrey Pants! I have been looking/wanting a pair for so long! Gap finally gets them, and somehow I wasn't informed. They are currently out of stock... The trouble is, are they just regular out of stock and will re-stock, OR did they discontinue them (or something along that line)?

If anyone has an idea about them or what is going on, please pass along the word!!

Teething at 18?

Wisdom teeth are the worst.

We are out of honey... Sad day. I miss my tea.
I could have it without it, but it's just not the same.

First day back at school from a three-day weekend.
I miss the weekend.
I could use some prayer for school. I'd be so thankful:)

I love when you take down your hair, after its been up
all day, and the smell of your shampoo wraps around your
head, like you just stepped out of the shower.

I am really looking forward to fall. I think that I
mentioned that in my last post... I just thought that
I'd throw that out there. Again.

Hope all your evenings are relaxing and wonderful:)

Funky Tights and Music

It has taken me such a long time to post! Things have been so crazy. School has taken over my life, once again. All my fun reading has been set aside, as well as my guitar and piano. Late nights, early mornings. Oh well. It is all part of the student package. I have no complaint with school itself though. It has been rather good to me, considering. God sure does have a way of proving you wrong though. I took a full load this semester, and was completely convinced that I would fail within the first week. I pray constantly that He will help me figure out a system to work around and with my new school and homework schedule. Though, some of the late nights, half awake, and the early mornings, again half awake, have been hard... He has gotten me through them, and I am truly thankful. Even though when I get to school and read over my notes to refresh my mind, I can barely read them... I find myself covering them with my hand as I read over them, so no one will see my scribbling. Haha! Cuz that's what it looks like. Scribbles. Keeping all my student friends in my thoughts and prayers:)

I absolutely love my art class. I am still excited over it! I am looking forward to my art projects. Already there have been a few that I haven't been particularly excited about... But in the end I find the meaning and lesson behind them, and am thankful for having been able to do them.

I've been sick for the last two weeks. This seems to happen. I was sick almost the whole first month of school last semester. My mommy is nursing me back to health, so fear not. Everyone has been wonderful and helpful.


After I saw "500 Days of Summer" two Saturdays ago, with Adam, Jake, and Janna, I have been listening to the soundtrack everyday. I love it! You should give it a listen;) I put a few of the songs on my playlist. There isn't one song on that album that I don't like. (Also, I am currently listening to 'She & Him', so perfect. Give it a holler;)


Thrift Stores. My love for them has grown immensely in the last few weeks. I have gone to four here in town, and am looking for more. My luck has been quite good. Although, I am still looking for some fun and funky vests... Also, a pair of cowboy boots to wear with my dresses... Though I really don't want to get those used. Adam thinks me silly, but I just can't get myself to put my foot into a shoe, that has been worn by some unknown person... Who- might have had a terrifying case of foot fungus. No thank you. So- if anyone one of you knows where I might find a pair, please give me a comment!!

I can't wait until fall and winter. All my poor funky tights and jackets are just sitting and waiting for me to wear them! And I am sure, feeling very unloved... I love them! It has just been too too warm.

Ten To Happiness

I am committing a grand theft, from Carissa's grand theft:

1. A box of new paints
2. Making a perfect cup of golden tea (usually Earl Grey)
3. The feel of piano keys beneath my fingers
4. Being close to my loved ones
5. Reading a good book with a warm cup in my hand
6. Watching the ocean sway and churn
7. Finding little restaurants that are tucked away and wonderful
8. Used Book Stores
9. Journals (everything about them)
10. Art: looking at the work of others and creating my own.

Night Lights

The light of the night is streaming into my open blinds. I can look up from my desk, through slanted lines, and see the strange, orange light. The smoke from the mountain fires makes the moon light ghostly and haunting. For some reason, I find that orange glow eerie. It reminds me of being in Tennessee and the sky being green and still... Sending all a silent warning of the tornadoes that will soon be coming. The orange glow seems like it should be linked to some terrible disaster like that. I spose fire is a terrible disaster... But to me it seems like it should be more weather based.
I must confess that looking through my blinds at night at all, completely scares me. It seems so, unpredictable. Anything could be waiting behind their shelter. It seems more probable that you would see something you don't want to see, when you look through them at night. All the shadows seem unearthly and menacing. All the houses suddenly look suspicious and haunted. Cars could be holding unseen eyes watching you as you innocently peek through. Somehow, everything seems waiting for an opportunity. What that opportunity is, I know not... I know enough to hide from it.
And yet, here I sit, with the blinds at my desk wide open. I can here a noise close to the window on the right. Everything is so colorless. Black and orange. Houses are orange, trees are black, cement is orange, most the backyard is black... There is nothing comforting about that.
I miss the nights where the sky is clear and crisp and the moon shines in all its cool glowing glory. In this same spot, at my desk with the blinds open, the moons soft light drifts in and illuminates my room. It has a soothing feel about it. But not this orange. This orange is nothing short of disturbing.

Claude Monet

Today I feel peaceful. The melody in my head is like Matt Costa's song Astair, smooth and calm. I didn't wake up too early this morning... 7:30 is a hard time to classify. It's kind of in the middle, as far as early and late goes. I enjoyed a perfect cup of coffee and got myself ready for the day. I find myself not hungry at all. All I wanted was coffee this morning, and now tea. Lately, I have either been nauseated and turned off to food or ravenous. What's the deal with this?! Before I sat down to type this post, I was cleaning and registering for classes in the fall. I have a rather full load this coming semester. i think that I am taking about 15 or 16 units. Usually that would frighten me, but at the moment I just feel ready for it. In the back of my head I can hear a little voice saying," Overwhelming... You're gonna cry and be discouraged..." I ignore it and defy it at the same time.

There is a possibility that we may be going to the circus tonight. I can't tell how I feel about this. I have never been fond of clowns. I suppose there's a time to overcome every phobia. Though, i guess i can't apply that for all phobias. I think that I will forever be scared of spiders, dark water, and zombies. Better said, maybe there is a time to overcome every "small-ish" phobia. Perhaps I will put off overcoming my fear of clowns in favor of renting a movie and a bag of skittles (supposing that I am not nauseated by the thought of food by then).

I am loving Matt Costa.

Cinnamon Almonds On Airplanes

I was thinking about airplanes today. I was thinking about how scared I am of them. This is not a fear of a little turbulence or even of crashing. Every time I get on a plane, I think," This could be the last time anyone ever sees me. I could die, sitting next to this guy who I don't even know (as he shifts in his seat and pulls out a tissue to blow his nose)." After my morbid thoughts of death, I pray unceasingly," Oh please God, not like this... I want to come home to you, but not like this..." Then as the plane finally lifts off the ground, I am completely struck with panic. It's almost like I start going crazy. I can feel my hands twitch to twist their fingers in my hair and just pull. My arms grip tensely to the arm rests... There is such an overwhelming panic that I feel like I could just blow up. Blow up, and all my pieces would go all over the nose blower guy. I can already imagine him pulling out more tissues, from his hidden stash, to wipe up the red mess of me on his short sleeve, button up shirt and yellow tie. Its all just morbid morbid morbid.

You know, 911 has permanently caused me mental harm. The above paragraph is somewhat silly and imaginative, but this I say in all seriousness. I'll never forget that day, ever. I'll never forget the nightmares that followed suit for months... It was already a hard time then. My mom had just almost died from a miscarriage. When she came home from the hospital, she was bed ridden. I remember how still everything was. Looking back, it was all very hazy feeling. Like it was dusk all the time. Even on the inside of our house. So, when the TV started playing these clips, with my mom asleep on the couch in front of the screen, it felt like the end of the world. I still remember my first plane ride after that. I was scared to death. Sad to say, but a man, with the same look as the terrorists, kindly smiled at me as he passed down the narrow isle, and I started crying. I feel horrible about it. But, I was young and terrified.

(Enough of this depressed look back)I was also thinking about how it would benefit the airlines' business if they started serving cinnamon almonds with drinks, instead of the salty peanuts. Don't get me wrong, I love those peanuts... I also loved the honey roasted peanuts they used to give out... However, if I had to choose, I would without a doubt go with the cinnamon almonds. I just got two bags of them when we went to Trader Joe's today. I don't really like sharing them, and typically don't. I don't necessarily "hide" them per say. I put them in the nut drawer in the fridge, or the dried fruit and nut basket in the cupboard... No one really gets into either of those places. I don't know why... I love nuts and dried fruit... But I also put them where they belong, knowing that no one looks in those places for snacks:) Does that count as "hiding"?

Sunset on the Pier

The Garden Spider

sometimes i sit alone in our backyard purely for the solitude. to just feel the suns warmth and the whisper of the wind through the trees and to think. right now, all the flowers in are in bloom. its all so rich and colorful looking. all the different shades of purple, pink and yellow... some orange here, a little white there, a bit of red, and tons of green.

our squash plant has really grown. the mint and tomato has as well, but the squash outstandingly so. i love how big the squash leaves are. they are so gorgeous. i love being able to see all the detail. the honeysuckle is beautiful and so sweet. technically, though, we didnt plant the honeysuckle, so its not really ours. it has grown over our fence from our neighbors yard. the only thing that i can complain about with the honeysuckle, is that it is full of garden spiders. those spiders get huge! they are big and hairy and like to jump out at you. i guess, it is prime real estate for them... it does smell nice. and i spose they dont jump out at you... they blend in very nicely with all the foliage so when you see them, its too late.

so there you are, bending over to smell the flowers, when all of the sudden, BAM! there is a huge, ugly, hairy, eight-legged thing right in front of your face. just your luck, it starts to move. then, you fiercely throw yourself backwards and start brushing your arms and legs and searching your hair. you stop- and look down to find the evil little creature (probably enjoying its little trick). there he is. sure enough, sitting there staring at you. even though you can see him right there, you still have goosebumps and are convinced that he is on you. your zeal for time in the glorious backyard has disappeared, and you head for cover inside.

My Day

Banana Pancakes
Coffee
Shopping carts of fresh fruit
Dahlias
Missing
Guitar
Priscilla Ahn
Blueberries and Asian Pears
Day dreams
Stories
Accidental dairy intake
Peppermint tea
Paninis
French Kiss (the movie)
Cleaning
Thumb
Wet Towles
Imagining
Lists
Romantic Dramas

Things Girls Do

Today, I was thinking and wondering about why we do some of the things we do. Most the time guys don't do these things. I am sure there are exceptions... I may even know a few guys who are the exception. However, I think there are very few.

For example:

Why do we instantly want a cup of tea when we are sad? I know that I'm not the only one who does this. This isn't the reason behind every cup of tea. Still, it is one of them.

How in the world do we find mopping the floor or vacuuming therapeutic?

What calm is there in folding laundry? Is it the warmth of clean towels freshly out of the dryer? Or is it that the job is completely mindless, so we can dwell on other things or nothing at all?

Why do we find freedom in driving barefoot? (I do love that)

More often than not, a girl will be planning her wedding from the time she is ten until she is actually married. Why? It's so far off from there... and when we are older, we never know when the process will begin. haha

How is it that when a girlfriend is critiquing herself, we completely deny her self picking, genuinely mean it... But then when the girlfriend, in turn, does the same for you, you don't believe a word she says?

Am I the only one who daydreams while doing the dishes?

Why do we have a compulsive drive to compare ourselves with other girls? Which only results in us being unhappy about ourselves and is also the effect of the previous question. We know that we are going to be completely upset afterward. Even if we don't show it on the outside, we are internally agonizing over ourselves and thinking of ways to "make it better."

What is it about flowers that make us so excited? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE flowers. I can never decide on a favorite. Sunflowers seem like the most perfect flower, but then Dahlias are so gorgeous... Tulips are so simple and classy, but Orchids are exotically beautiful. Daisies are cheerful and friendly, but Sweet Peas really are sweet. See what I mean??

There are many more things... I just decided that maybe listing all of them isn't the best idea. Haha. It'll just prove how silly we all can be.

Whatever the reason is (and this is going to sound cliche), I still love being a girl. Even when I know that I am being silly:)

Baking Blueberries

What You Need:
1 stick of butter, room temperature (plus more for the pan)
2 cups of all-purpose flour (plus more for the pan)
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 cups of fresh blueberries
1 cup of sugar
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup of milk

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Generously butter a standard 12-cup muffin pan and dust with flour, tapping out excess; set aside. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Working over bowl, toss blueberries in a fine sieve with about 1 1/2 teaspoons of the flour mixture to lightly coat; set aside flour mixture and blueberries.

In the bowl of an electric mixture fitted with the paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until combined. Mix in vanilla.

Withe the mixer on low speed, add the reserved flour mixture, beating until just combined. Add milk, beating until just combined; dont over mix. Using rubber spatula, fold in blueberries. Divide the batter evenly among the prepared muffin cups.

Bake, rotating the pan half way through, until the muffins are golden brown and a cake tester inserted in the center of the muffin comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Transfer pan to cooling rack to cool for 10 minutes.

Morning Cup Of Coffee

for some reason when i sat down to write, i thought of the movie "you've got mail." i thought of how she would refer to her emails as sending her thoughts out into the cosmic void. i guess thats how typing a blog feels for me. i dont know who will get on and read the words that flow from my finger tips, to and through the key board, to my screen. and yet- i type them and publish them to the world wide web anyways... knowing that possibly, no one is reading. when you think about it, its kinda strange.
i once met a guy who would have called this "mans pitiful outreach for some attention..." pitiful outreaching for recognition. he would go into a long monologue about how we are desperate creatures who cant seem to live without acknowledgement. he would tell me again of how when a person walks into a room, they automatically look for some one they know or to see if anyone is looking at them at all. he would tell me how stupid that looks and, again, how pitiful and desperate. following that up by making an example of the next poor soul to walk in the room. if "he" knew about my blog, i am sure he would associate posting blogs to a cosmic void as exactly the same.
how i attract these people, ive know idea. he just walked up and sat next to me. before i knew it, he was monologuing. he seemed to disappear when we got on the topic of religion and i told him that i was a christian. he couldnt get me to see eye to eye with his thoughts and ideas on religion and God. haha. he was one of those people... he tried really hard to get me to say that i dont actually believe in God or our loving Savior. he failed. so he disappeared.

the coffee machine just made its "im finished" beep. oh how lovely a cup of coffee sounds. i cant wait. i dont know what it is about a perfectly made cup coffee in the morning... doctored up to just the right amount of creaminess and sweetness. it just completes the morning.

Dancing

I love the feeling of dancing. The motion is so peaceful. I, in no way claim to be a good dancer, however, the feeling a completely conquered dance brings is so amazing. What was once so straining and mentally tiring, now feels like the softness of rain or like the gentle delivery of Debussy's Clair De Lune. Ah, I just love it! Today, I can feel that feeling as if it were the air that I breathe; a steady flow, inhale exhale.

All this talk of dance has reminded me that I need a new pair of pointe shoes. I just got a new pair of soft shoes (the old ones had holes in the toe, and I was constantly stubbing them when while I was dancing). New pointe shoes aren't like new soft shoes. You get almost instant gratification with soft shoes. They take a day to mold to your feet and a few more to get used to the new feeling. Pointe shoes take a little longer and aren't nearly as comfortable. I wonder if i should try lambs wool instead of toe pads with my point shoes. Lately, I have heard that it is a little more comfortable.

Day Dreams In Atsronomy

Well, I'm blogging finally. As i sit here, I find it hard to find anything of interest to talk about. Nothing that would interest anyone but myself that is. Today was the average school day, with chores in between.

I guess this all I have to work with:

Finals are coming up. I think that I feel pretty ready for my math final, however, the thought of my Astronomy final is going to give me an ulcer. But I won't dwell on unhappy thoughts. I am glad to be almost done with this semester and soon to be moving onto a new one.

Right now, I'm listening to Divine Discontent by Sixpence None the Richer. For some reason, this song reminds me of Jordie Lindsey. I don't know why. Maybe when we were little, we would listen to them while we sat on her bedroom floor writing and drawing. For some reason, when I think back on those times, I think of us doing us exactly that but it always feels like it was summer. And the lighting is always like the lighting a dream would have.

I have felt so day dreamy today. It was one of those days where I sat in class and suddenly had all these ideas and ways to phrase things for my stories that I had been stuck on. I am glad to have burst through the writers block, however, it would have been nice if it wasn't during class. But what can i do? Haha. Outside of that, I was just completely encompassed in my own thoughts. Sometimes, I get lost in there. Thoughts can be such a tangled mess sometimes. I didn't even really talk today.

Before I go on too much longer about things non-consequential and boring, I'll stop right there.

Stars on My Toes

I stepped into the sea, and fell into a garden scene. The flowers were all in bloom, in this place where the sun is the moon. Rays of light danced on the sand beneath my toes and stars grew on trees in endless, brilliant rows.

Wonderings and Wanderings

this morning i woke up and realized how blessed i am. i knew i was blessed, but today i woke up and really looked at it. there are so many people in my life that i love so dearly. i have such a wonderful family, that i wouldnt trade for anything. i have friends that i love like family and consider them to be so. they are family not just in this life, but spiritually as well. i want to tell you all how much i love you and care for you. i thank God that He saw fit to place you all in my life.

you dont keep every friend and acquaintance that you come across. though a person may be a friend for a while, they dont always stay. as i look back at all the faces that have come and gone, i think of the things i learned or the ways that i was blessed through knowing them. even though they are no longer there in my everyday life, i still thank God for having them pass through. even the painful things that came along with the coming and going of people, i thank Him for. because i know that He brought a purpose that stretched me through it.

today is elle's birthday. she is nine years old today. she has requested what most of us request for dinner on our birthdays, chicken upside down cornbread:) well its either that or sushi:) i am so excited to give noelle her gifts. i love it! holly is sitting in my lap right now. lately she has been sitting a little on her own. she isnt using my stomach as a prop or my arms that reach past her to the keyboard. she is getting bigger!! she keeps bending down and eating her toes. so sweet:) i am thinking of the day that she turns nine. oh my word! that is so far away! i wonder where we all will be in our lives then...

today i feel like i dont know what to do with myself. there are so many things that i would love to do: paint, write, play piano or guitar, surf, dance, read... and yet the consistent beckoning of school is keeping me away from such pleasures. so i feel torn. between both pleasure and duty.

Last Train Ride ( late post )

Well this train is taking me home. I am always sad to leave but happy to be home. It is so confusing at times. How can you be so sad yet happy about the process and outcome of the same thing? It doesn’t make any sense to me. It is like torture. It is like a vicious cycle. You think,” how could I be so happy to leave!? Then you think,” but I am excited to be home,” missing the people there. After which you feel bad for being sad about being happy to be home. Feeling like you made the loved ones there less important. The same thing happens for the family you are leaving. It repeats itself for both places. I spose this is just how it goes with these things.

It was a good trip. Dad got home Friday morning and we all just spent time hanging around the house. Saturday brought grandma and grandpa and sushi; a late birthday for me(: I ran some errands with dad a few times. I always like to do that. They are all going to be coming out for my graduation. I am excited about that. They will stay through the weekend. Hopefully I’ll get to take dad surfing. I asked him if he would go out with me, and he said that he would(: they aren’t really sure where they will be staying yet. It is still pending.

Oh man… these things make me so motion sick. But there is nothing I can do about it! There is no window to look out of… and I can’t just sit here doing nothing. I mean this is like a six-hour trip. We are coming up to Ventura soon, half way home. Its almost five. I have spent the time so far reading and watching “Step Into Liquid.” I finished the latter but was so sick after that and reading that I had to stop reading. So I didn’t finish the book. If I were being studious, I would be reading my astronomy book. However, I fail at being studious.

I got a few Barnes N Noble cards. I am pretty excited. I miss reading! After I read the Twilight trilogy, I have just been aching for some good books. Before that I was reading the classics. I just need a break from them. I love them! Don’t get be wrong. But after a time of reading pretty much nothing but (outside of school reading of course) you get a little burnt out on them. So it is candy reading for a time. Haha! I bought “Stardust” to read on the train. Its good so far. I have a feeling that I am coming onto the good stuff.

I’m looking for a song to sing and play for my graduation, If I can’t write one and compose by then. Or if I have it might not be good… so suggestions are very welcome!! I was looking at a Priscilla Ahn song. I don’t know how many of you know her. If there is a song by her ( or even someone else ) that you think I should give a look into, let me know!!

Wow, another long post from a train. Sorry about that.

Morning From A Southbound Train

I’m on a southbound train. Got up at 5:30 this morning. I feel so dead right now. You know when you are so tired that you are nauseated? That’s me right now, too many early mornings and late nights in a row. Didn’t get coffee this morning either. I would sleep but I always have a hard time sleeping in public transportation. It feels awkward to me. Haha. Maybe I am just ridiculous.

I can’t complain too much. I have gotten to check out the surf all along the coast for the whole morning. I can’t say that I have seen any good surf this morning. I think there were a few surfable areas though:) I have wanted to surf so badly these last few days.

I miss surfing. I used to be able to surf so much before school. Well, I had school then too, just not classes that I had to be at. It was all home classes then with no scheduled homework (at least last year), giving me a lot of free time to surf. Those were the days. I’ll make up for it though. I am going to start going more. Especially in the summer. Which- I have a goal set for, by the way. I hope I can reach it. I’ll have some help though:)

It’s so gorgeous right now! I can’t remember the technical name for them, but the flats next to the ocean are so amazing! The grass is long and a beautiful green. I saw two deer in one. In another, a little flock of birds flew out of a thicket, and I wondered what startled them? Most likely this train… it could have been something else. Or maybe they just decided they were bored of their current thicket and decided to move on to a better one. I felt kinda envious of them. They get to live in such a choice spot, over looking the ocean. It gives me a little reminder of God’s glory. He has created such wondrous things. Sometimes I forget to really appreciate them as I should. I just get caught up in whatever the day brings or has scheduled. It’s good to just sit and appreciate God’s handy work. Lol!

I love passing by the houses and seeing surfboards in the backyards. It makes me smile. The water isn’t visible anymore. Which, is why I am on here.

I can’t wait to go to sleep. Though I don’t know how early I’ll be able to. I never sleep well when I am down there. Speaking of sleep, I just watched a drowsy lady stumble down the stairway. She had been sleeping the whole time she was on the train. Don’t know why that was amusing, but it was.

You know, I realized that I love beach towns. I love their quirky one way streets, the clustered funky colored little beach houses, the surfers running with their boards down to the water, all the surf shops, contrary to how most people feel about the sand, I love it, not all beach towns have them, but I love the piers too. I would love to live on the beach and have access to surf every morning. It seems like such a quaint, simple lifestyle. I could care less about big expensive houses, big expensive cars, going to expensive places all the time, and having ALL the latest and greatest… give me surf and sand over that any day.

The Trees

" If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
~Jack Handy

Vintage Cherry Blossoms

i cant believe that i gave into this. i told myself that i wouldnt get on because i have to be up so early tomorrow for school. and yet- here i am. my mind feels wide awake but my body is completely tired. when will my mind tire out? give me some room for rest? right now, it feels like never. i cant really list the things that are fogging my head. there are too many. its like my mind is desperately trying to come to some conclusion to these thoughts and clear them away for the night. usually coming to an end of a thought only brings forth another. i spose this is just how it goes. more often than not, this occurs. sometimes, keeping me up later than i would have imagined. time just slips away when your mind is clouded with, well, everything. everything in the sense that it feels like everything. i know its not everything...

i had just finished reading my Bible before this and found this verse:
" Come, let us walk in
the light of the Lord."
Is. 2:5

for some reason, this verse brought me a feeling of peace.

i am going to try to calm these cascading thoughts and settle down for the night. i have no idea how well this will work, but i am willing to fight for it. :)

God's Perfect Creation

Pleasurable

i had a wonderful day yesterday. i didnt do anything that most would consider wonderful or amazing. to some it might seem a normal, uneventful day. i found it quite the opposite.

mom and i texted from a our bedrooms, to start the morning off. she asked about coffee and breakfast... teased me a bit. the night before, i had decided that i would make scones to go with coffee the next morning. they turned out pretty good! although i really couldnt taste them much myself. my nose is still stuffy, which made it so i could only taste so much of it. that so much, was very little. i brought the scones to my parents, who sat in bed with holly. i love bringing them drink and food in bed. i dont know why. it just gives me a pleasurable feeling.

the moments following were spent cleaning the kitchen, talking with a friend over coffee, and getting ready for the day. at some point we decided that a target and starbucks run was in order.

target was a quick trip. in and out in less that 20 min. since we were next door to coehlos music store, we decided to get some new strings for his guitar (which needed changing really badly). of course, when we got back to my house, i ended up breaking one of the strings while trying to tune them, after putting on the new set.

i tried a new flavor in my misto; cinnamon dulche. it was so good! i think i like it better than toffee nut (my regular flavor). i think that cinnamon dulche will be my new regular. we stopped off at the used clothing store to drop off a few bags of goods, as a favor to my mom, and coehlos to get another set of strings. had some lunch, and then relocated. where we played guitar and had tea with homemade ginger snap cookies while we watched a movie. it was such a nice day.

all these little things were just so pleasurable. they wouldnt usually stand out as pleasurable... but- yesterday it was especially nice. just another one of those quiet, simple days that catch your attention every now and again. that reach out to you, in the midst of pure chaos. a rest before the next weekly plunge.

Bao Asian-style Steamed Buns

carissa i do believe you have awoken my desire to post. i had fallen out of the habit of posting. or, neglected it i should say.

i think this happened two mornings ago: i was asleep in bed when i heard some loud banging on the door. as you all know, i am now in the front room with noelle, and holly has our old room. you can imagine how loud it was... and whoever it was, was really banging hard on the door. dean came down the entry hall just in time to hear me yell. he said that i called out his name... i dont recall that at all. i just remember yelling. the point to this, is, it scared the heck out of me. what a way to start the day, yes?

for those of you who havent tried these things, i suggest that you do. i tried them for the first time today, and really liked them.


astronomy is screaming my name right now. it is sitting on my bed, pretty much staring me down.

i love the sound of rain just beginning to fall. a few randomly scattered drops... then the light patter of consistent fall... then the down pour. it makes me smile.

On the Surface

well school is going well... i spose. i am starting to like my astronomy class better everyday. although, there is a lot of homework sometimes. my first test is soon. well, in about two weeks. my professor was pretty cool about the test yesterday. he gave us some answers to questions that might be on the test. got that written down. haha!

i have had an ongoing flow of ideas for art and writing and music. though, i am always afraid to post them online. worried that someone might steal the ideas. which is sad, because id love to share them with you all! well, those of you that i know, who read my blog. needless say, i am excited about pursuing these ideas.

i think that i would really like to get some kind of degree in art. for the moment, i will just work on getting my general ed out of the way. squeezing in what i can for art.

my birthday was wonderful! my family took me out to sushi on saturday and gave me a surfboard! i am still stoked. i havent gone out with it yet. okay i take that back... it was a used board from panchos. a board that i have used almost every time i go out. so i have surfed with it:) thanks adam, crissy, and nathan! i had a great time on sunday:)

p.s. nathan!! (*high piched voice*)

Adventure

i had a pretty exciting day today.

last night all the anders spent the night at our house. except for shane and nathan. dean went out of town, and we all wanted the extra company. it was fun! everyone just did their own thing; the little girls played dolls, the two boys did what boys do ( dont know what that is... ), carissa and i talked, plotted, and imagined, and the moms discussed and talked the way moms do. we all went to bed at one in the morning... and woke up around nine. the first thing carissa and i did, was hop in the car on a donut run. pajamas and all. i never do that. i still feel stupid for doing that. haha!

carissa and i had some plans all set up for later... but first, the moms left; shan with her little ones, went home, and mom with buttercup, went out to breakfast with an amazingly sweet lady that i am going to be a mothers helper for. carissa and i stayed at my house with noelle and carter and got ready for the day.

haha! once carissa and i finally broke off to do our plans, the craziness began. at least we were crazy. not completely. just like two friends who havent gotten together in a really long time, crazy. the first thing we did was stop by a thrift store and sift through the summer dresses. also, we donated some of our things there as well. it was a pretty quick trip.

as the second stage of our journey rolled in, we were singing loudly in harmony, to a song we used to sing when we were really little. haha! we were a bit out of tune on some parts but- still had fun. we picked up adam and headed for pismo:) i love pismo. i dont know why... i really like going there... we hit up longboards for some french fries, walked on the pier, checking out the surf, for a while, then we really got adventurous. we walked down the beach from right side of the pier, all the way to the rocks. we climbed all the way around the point. and most the time, we were climbing... not just walking, and running in between sets, from rock to rock, but high up, climbing. i still cant believe we did that. it was so fun though! we want to go back and do it agian, but go even farther, if thats even possible. it was a beautiful day too! the weather was amazing. fun fun times:)

things then, now, and later.

i decided that today, was the day to post. lately i have been doing pretty much the same things. i couldnt find anything to say. or anything i wanted to really talk about on here. plus, people dont really get on blogger anymore. i guess that i have kinda fallen into that as well.

holly got home new years eve. i was so happy. i cant stand having part of my family missing from everyday life. missing at all, better said. its just not the same. holly is all fixed! she has a new bum:-) last night, holly slept with me for about two hours. she was so adorable. i gave her a little room when i actually fell asleep... i was worried about rolling over on her. but when she would wake up, her little hand would reach out, and search around till she found me. she would proceed to grab at my arm and shirt. i cuddled up to her, and she would fall back asleep. i just love her!! she is so adorable and has a wonderful little personality. i cant imagine what life would have been like without her.

i went surfing for the first time since august. i seriously lost the strength. literally. my arms were so dead that i couldnt paddle. once that happened, i forced myself to paddle even though my arms were barely moving, which made me out of breath, so by the time i went to stand up, i was all weak and tired. haha! it is a vicious cycle. i am going to start going out more. ill get the strength back;) we went with a couple friends. it was so awesome! we had a great time. after that, we went out to eat at longboards. man, that place is so good!

i got a pretty good injury today, while i was surfing. i was riding a wave and another lady like cut in and ran into me. i wasnt mad though. but- i messed up my hand. i didnt feel it at the time because my hands were so numb. i sure as heck felt it later, and kinda now. i took a little something for the pain.

oh! yesterday, dean, jake, and i went down to panchos and bought a few things. dean and jake got wetsuits, and i got some booties to complete my wetsuit. they really helped with todays surfing trip. i also got an epic pair of glasses. i have been looking for for a long time. i am pretty stoked about them. but then, i left them in my friends car or on their table. sad day=( however, he'll drop them off tomorrow though. so its all good:-)

my aunt julie cam up with three of her boys, today. there are four boys, but one was at the lake )or was it the river) with his dad. so he didnt come... which is a bummer, because i wanted to take him surfing. oh well. next time:-) i am not sure what we will be doing while they are here. i think they will be here for four or five days. so yes. we shall see.