lost in translation...

well, i just found out that most of the other people going on the mission trip already sent out their letters. and guess what, i havent. but- i have a reason that i wish wasnt a reason. my mom wanted to go through it with me and correct everthing that didnt seem right to her. which all in all isnt a bad thing. but, i wish we could have done it sooner. cause i feel left behind... and am worried that it wont send it out soon enough, and wont get the support needed. (at which time i would put my own money in.) then again, if its Gods will that i go, he will provide the way.
*okay, i have a question. have you ever put hope in something, and then suddenly you realize that youve been looking at it like a dream? then you doubt whether or not you should have hope about ... (qoute, dot dot dot, unquote.) and you confuse yourself, cause you want to have hope but you dont want to waste it in something that you almost know for sure wont matter. so after confusing yourself and to some extent, upsetting yourself, you realize that theres nothing you can really do but pray about it. man, then the wait... "is it your will God? or is it not? whats going to happen!!??"
*then to twist your thoughts more, you think about how it was in Gods will to have you feel that way. to be confused over a true or false hope.
well, thats about all i can say. for the time being. so until later posts... ttyl.

drowning...

i feel like i'm drowning in an endless knife ocean of; chores, school, upcoming events, the need for money (jobs), and daily struggles. one wrong move and, all is lost. it seems like i take two steps forward and ten back. but then again it's life. i know. but hey i can complain. jk.
i thought this next school year was going to be better than this past one but- i was wrong. next year is going to be even worse. then again what was i thinking... its a new grade which means more less enjoyable work. man, physics... who wants to do physics? i'm still trying to convince my mom other wise. but it doesn't seem to be working. any suggestions?
on another note... the mission trip is coming up. and i'm really happy and excited to be doing that. let me tell you, i had some second thoughts. i wasn't sure if i was doing something i wanted or something God wanted. so, i've prayed about it. and don't feel the want to go, any less extreme. but- then again, how do i know that i'm not telling myself to feel that way? ahhh, its all pretty confusing. i think thats the last way i should be feeling though. i guess i need to stop confusing myself and just trust in God... please everyone pray for this situation...

...life-less and breathing...

wow, i have no idea how this wasn't already done. but- i have two days until i have to turn in the deposit for wildwood. so, i'm a little worried. everyone cross your fingers and hope i get it turned in on time.
man, i stayed up until 4:15 am two nights ago. and i'm still try to recover. lol! we watched; corpse bride, elizabethtown, and king kong. by the end of king kong only two people we're a wake. and i being one of them, was awake until 4:15. man, then ontop of that, a few hours shy of me falling asleep, i was woken by a bean bag hitting me in the face.* revenge was taken.* so, i'm feeling kinda life-less. and for some strange reason, i decided to go to morning mana today. i felt kinda bad, cause i almost fell asleep during it. i could have fallen asleep right there, in starbucks, with all those people standing around. i was so close to giving in. but- i fought the embarrassment, and prevailed. i could have gotten a tea or coffee, but i'm on a budget... so no caffeinated drink for me.
we went to the farmers market yesterday. it was pretty fun, lots of food. but- i didn't get to have any. oh well... at least i got to go into a few stores. and i ran into a few friends while i was there. so anyways, i'll talk to you all later.

a little emo, i know...

you know i've felt pretty lonely these past weeks. but- then somewhere in the middle of it, i asked the question," am i really all that lonely? why am i making myself feel that way?" so, i decided that i would use the time i had alone, to get into a deep bible study. and i slowly started to forget... instead of feeling depressed and lonely, i felt very content. God, is so awesome! Hes always there, so you can never really be lonely. it feels so good to know, that you can always depend on him. i mean, i knew that before, but- i guess i didn't pay a whole lot of attention in that area. i'm pretty sure, He used this time to point that out to me and to get closer with my fam.
God is good.

late nights early mornings

man! it has been pretty crazy... we have been jumping from one place to another, since we've been out of town. and yet, there still remains some jumping to do. needless to say, there has been late nights and early mornings, to go along with all of this. so anyways...
let me tell you, i violated the law. well, my mom's law anyways... not purposely. (i would never do a thing like that.) it is known that i am lactose. but- because i really wanted a frappachino, i decided that it wouldn't be that big of a deal if i had one. cause, i haven't had dairy for a while and when i do that, i can usually have a little. i was wrong. let me tell you, i haven't had a stomach like that for a long time. so i've changed my thought in that area," i think after you haven't had dairy for a long time, and you randomly decide to have it, the stomachs are worse."
the civil war dance is in a few days... which means, that my dress, thats still ripped from the last dance, needs to be fixed. but- at least its not a really big thing. (its only the waste band.) i'm pretty excited. my first one, was a little confusing. for many different reasons. some of which i can't really explain. so, this year i'll be better prepared. hopefully.
i still haven't found my electric violin... so or those of you who have connections in that area. please let me know if you come across any cool ones. well, i will talk to you all later.

window decorating...

well, i had fun decorating some friends window last night. (this happened around 12:30 p.m.) all we pretty much did was draw a bunch of weird pictures, and tape them all over their bedroom window. our goal was to cover the whole window, but- because we were short on time, and paper... we covered most of the window. but, it was enough that we were satisfied. well, thats all i have time to say. i have some things that need to be done, so i'll have to be going. talk to you all later.

turning silent pages (poem.)

the sadness now is fading,
falling away.
fading like the light of day.
almost as light now,
as the mist of an early moring.
the heaviness is lifting,
lifting each day.
it's easy to look back now.
to look back at the pain and saddness.
to see tha struggles... that have passed away.
and are now going cold in their grave.
never to rise again.
never to be seen, felt, or heard.
as silent as a reading book.
forever the pages turn,
silently.
so the story in written...
and it will continue to write.
write without stopping.
writing about how the saddness was fading.
like dry grass set a-fire,
on a blazing hot day.

confusion and rain....

well, woke up last moring not sure where i was. it was weird. i was almost afraid to move. i woke up at 5 a.m. cause i had forgotten to turn off my cell alarm. it took me a while to tune in, then a while to find it, then a few to look around my room, and a second to look out he window. (i remember that i wasn't happy about it raining though.) lol! i was so confused.
i have a question... does anyone understand tabs? i understand the cord letter thing, but- what do the numbers mean... if it were a d chord, and there was a 7 on the line... would you switch to seventh?
sorry guys. thats about all you can get out of me. there isn't very much to talk about.

well, we hit a little wind...

well, we didn't actually leave at six. more around 9:38ish. ya... oh well. but we arrived at our destination alive. and no traffic. for those of you who prayed, thanx. maybe God will rid this earth from car sickness for ever.
it seems carter is having trouble walking on one of his feet. and just really won't walk on it. so, please pray for that.
i am currently in awe. i don't think i've ever really paid attention to my mom singing. and well, ya. i got to listen to her all the way here. she's pretty funny, i must admit. the really funny thing is she really dosen't know she's all that funny... when she sings. but- she is. i love her.
thats pretty much the only thing exciting that happened on this trip. (it was nice though, i slept most the way.) well bye.

everything random...

well, sorry for not posting for the last few days. my mom has been keeping me pretty busy, among other things.
our little trip down south is tomorrow, bright and early. six o'clock a.m. is when the drive time begins. please for my sake, pray for no traffic. car sickness is a thing i think the world can do without. completely.
i'll tell ya dreams are crazy things. you have no idea how many times i wake up in the middle of a dream, feeling some extreme emotion or other. ya, i woke up this morning with clenched fists and teeth. and the morning before, i was startled so badly, i pretty much fell out of bed. all in the middle of a dream. weird.
i found the coolest scarf yesterday! okay, maybe not the coolest, but it's still pretty cool. and, i found it in our garage, in a box with the rest of our snow stuff. why i haven't seen if before, i don't know. but- it's been officially commandeered.
it's really funny to hear a two year old ask for a band-aid. carter has never really liked them. he starts crying just looking at them. now, he asks for them regularly. says,"pider- mayan ban aid... tease..??!!" (translation: spiderman band-aid... please.) lol!
well, thanx for all the comments. and i will talk to you all later.

...it all slips bye...

in this crazy insane life, i often forget to just stop and look around. to look through all the school books, and all the crazy activities, (and chores...) all the disappointing, angry, and the good times. its kinda sad really. i can't say that i've never stopped. sure there was a time, somewhere. but thats the thing... i don't remember. you get so used to having whats always been there and forget how much the simple things mean. but, its not always going to be there... sure, i know that and you know that... yet somehow, it all slips bye.
God is so great. great, to give us all we have here. to provide for us, no matter the time or the day. somewhere, i can't remember off the top of my head, in the bible it says that, God gave all of nature to us. for us look at and enjoy. and i don't do that as often as i should. so, i've decided to at any random given moment in the day to just stop. look around me, and thank Him for it all.

day to day...

i went to a pcpa play today, called" our town." i have never been to a real play. so it was pretty cool. although i will say, play acting, is weird to get used to. i went with a friend and her mom...
i was so tired today, that i almost didn't go to morning manna. but- i'm glad i did. there wasn't nearly as many people as there has been, but it was fun. and the lesson was good. and, we did worship today, which we haven't done for a while. its funny, the last few days it hasn't been as cold, then the day we decide to do worship... was the coldest. (out of the last few days i mean.)hopefully tomorrow is a little warmer. cause, my lips were quivering so bad that it was hard to sing. lol!
i have an official date when i'm leaving to my dad's, the tenth of this month. so, i'm a little sad. but kinda well, happy. (cause excited isn't the right word to use here.) but- to say the least, i'm going and won't be back until tuesday morning. ahhhhh.... i just thought of something. if i come back tues. then, i most likely won't get to go to youth group. we'll be back in the a.m. but still. my mom may be too tired to drive me that night. and i think she has some sort of meeting that night too. man..!! unless she is relaxed and not stressed in any way. then i'm sure she won't mind taking me. but, i don't want to overwhelm her either. well, we'll see what happens.
i must go now, cause i think i'm burning my cake... nope we're okay. but still, i should go. well, hope you all have a nice night. talk to you all later bye...

grape wars...

i realize that some of you, namely one person, are not very happy that i have not posted more than i have... since i have only posted once. so i will try to be more diligent. for the sake of the readers.
well, i may be doing this thing where i have to learn somewhere around ten pieces of music. then go play them infront of a judge, who; will then give me some score or another, tell me where my biggest struggles are, tell me the best way to fix them, and tell me if i'm going to move up in this battle of the pianos. so i'm a little worried, but mostly just nervous. and if you know me, well... you'll know that my hands shake horrably when i'm nervous. and, it'll be pretty hard to play with shakey hands...
i will say, having a grape war is pretty fun. although, moms don't deal well with it. my brother and i are always coming up with some weird way of having fun. and they're usually not something my mom likes or can deal with for too long. say, a grape war. it was good for us though, cause during most of the war, she was in the shower. to say the least, we got most of it cleaned up before she got out. ( grapes can be pretty painful... they almost feel like paintballs.)
sorry to end this post on such a weird note, but- i have to go...

musical chairs...

okay, well i have to explain this title. in full. so be ready... a friend of mine and myself went to a camp this last weekend. unbenounced to me it was a junior high camp. and the reason for my going was to be there so i could be with another friend who was in junior high, so she wasn't alone. but- she ended up not going. so we were both stuck going... cause it had already been paid for. so we spent seven lovely hours getting there. (four of them spent in traffic.) only to get there and be pushed into a game of musical chairs... yes, musical chairs. (and a bunch of other games as such, the rest of the weekend.) i really tried to look deeper. but- sadly, i was and still am stuck on the surface. what to say???