in darkness and in light...

wildwood was ah-mazing... ive learned so much. trying to sum it up, is going to be hard. well, we were on the way there, in an old van with no airconditioning, in 100 degree weather at least... and i got to thinking... "was anything life changing going to happen while i was up there?" i was doubtful to say the least. and i had no idea of what it was going to be like. (and i was worried my orchids wouldnt make it through the week, i was going to be gone.) so, i was worried. i didnt want to get up there and have all that time wasted, in hopes that it wouldnt be wasted... so we get there, and for the next four days, the same doubtfulness remained. it didnt come to me until the fifth day, while we up at our altar, talking about how God had stretched us, and where we had grown... to sum it up; i was afraid to let God take and lead my life... and i would try to walk with my eyes open, even though i was walking in the dark... now, i have no fear of walking blind folded. i guess thats a pretty cheesy analogy... but its the only way to really sum up what ive gained and what ive let go.

laundry, wildwood, and summer...

o man... i have tons of laundry to do.
and only one day to do it. lets hope i get it
all done before i go to wildwood.
well, not much else to say... cause most
of my summer stuff starts after wildwood.
from then on, it gets crazy. i still have to work
out a time to go see my dad... hes not very happy
that i havent been down yet, and that im leaving
for camp on fathers day. i kinda feel bad about it.

....

sad to say... i dont think i really have anything of interest to say. i guess its because things have been going so slow lately. or at least they seem like theyre going slow. no doubt, they are. or maybe its just me, i havent been my normal self lately... which im sure you all can tell. my every day things dont seem as worth while or exciting like they used to. so all the things i would have brought up in one of my blogs, dont seem interesting, so i just just stopped posting. its pretty pathetic, i cant even think of anything random to talk about... thats pretty bad.
i have spent more time in prayer and bible study, since ive been feeling this way. so, at least that part of it is good. maybe thats why God put me here. cause im not going to lie... i was slacking off as far as bible study and prayer. (i was feeling lousy because of it.) maybe the lesson here, is; even though life can get exciting and distracting, there should always be time for God. and that he should be the number one thing on your list... always... im sure you all know that and i know that. but- in the mist of the good, bad, crazy, sad, exciting, distracting, things you come across in life, i think it can be easy to forget even the most important thing... im not sure if thats just a fault in me, or if everyone struggles with it..?? it just proves the divine greatness of God, in that he never forgets about anyone and is always there. and proves my own imperfectness. even in my imperfections, he still loves me despite them. God is good...

gone, all at once.

well, im leaving tomorrow on boating trip in oxnard. and wont be back until sunday or monday. (which means no posting.) the reason why im going is because the trip is for a friends birthday. so thats pretty exciting. i was kinda crossing my fingers that i would come across some good rock formations, while i was out there. (safe enough for me to climb, without a rope anyway. but hey, life is taking risks right..??) that would be pretty amazing if i did find some. so everyone cross your fingers for me. i also want to apologize for not posting as much as i should... ive been having a hard time trying to figure out what to talk about. but- then again i thinks its more amusing when you find some random topic to talk about. so- i will try to do better.

the strawberries invade.

yep, well... i went to the strawberry festival in a.g. today. it was way better than the one in santa maria for sure. (but- i have good memories of the one here in s.m. lol! carl and alyssa know what i mean... haha.) it was good to go get my mind diverted to something else. otherwise, today would have been a lot more sad than it was. man, i got a good laugh outta the girl dressed as a strawberry walking down the street, singing about how we should go get old fashion shortcake at doc burnstiens. singing to the tune of..?? well when i remember the tune i might just add it in here... cause right now im having a hard time remembering it. go figure. i felt for her... but- i guess it pays. hu.........

....

well, it comes down to this. kaleb is leaving in two days, and i'm pretty sad:( i wish he wouldn't go but- if he feels like he should and wants to go, then he should go with it. i don't want to be one of those people who bug and say things like," you shouldn't go. OR "see thats why you should stay here," every chance i get. i mean, hes already had a hard time deciding, and now that hes decided, (sort of) why would i want to make him feel bad or put him back at the beginning of the situation again. so with that, i just want to say," i don't want you to go kaleb but- if thats what you think will be best for you, then i'll miss you. and i hope you have a good time back home and that you'll visit as much as you can." if anyone would like to leave a comment for kaleb, please do so. (although i'm sure you would want to leave it on his blog... but- you still can here too. if you want.)

playing with fire...

well, i almost burned down the house this morning. it was pretty bad, i'm serious. as most of you know, i have a cup of tea every morning. so, i filled the tea kettle and turned on the burner. but- i turned on the wrong burner. and well, the pie that was sitting ontop of that burner... caught a light and burned like never before. i walked out for a second, then when i walked back in i saw it and screamed. well, it wasn't a scream, more like between a scream and a yelp. (if thats possible.) not too late after my scelp, my mom came in, then she screamed (she really screamed) and called for dean. i in the mean time, was opening windows and turning on fans. dean got it out and that's about it. then as soon as it's outside, my mom says," amandalin! why...!? don't play with fire!!!" (she was kidding, she knows that i didn't seriously try to burn the house down.)
keep in mind that this happened on our way out the door, while we were all dressed and ready for church.... i will say, the smell of burnt plastic in not pleasant. burnt paper, yes. burning plastic, no.

in His peace

these last few days have been pretty hard, and still today has been too. but- after all the worrying and sadness. i realized that some things weren't meant to last long. worry and sadness being some of them. i have finally given up on trying to do things on my own and just rely on God. in his perfect plan there is peace, which we all need. something that i myself, have been keeping myself from. it has definitely been a long journey getting here and the journey isn't completely ended either. i'm sure it will be this way for a quite a while longer, but i've reached the beginning of the end... there is no turning back, no restart... so i'm glad to say, i taken a step further in giving my life fully to christ. a step further in following all the taken steps before me. left in the sand for all those, like myself, to follow.

a late night snack...

i really did just have a late night snack. and it was good; an avacodo sandwhich with mayo, salt, pepper, on wheat bread. with- the bread toasted. and why? cause i went to a friends soccer game today, and got home around 7:55 pm, then did some chores. so by the time i was done, it was late and i hadnt eaten. i will let you know that her soccer game was awesome and her team won 9 to 5. it was a good game.
and just for all the mothers out there, (even though im sure none read my blog) a happy mothers day to you. even though, its not offically mothers day.

constant guide

Beautiful in more ways than one.
Unfailing in thought,
Ever vivid.
Like the constant dripping of water,
Steady and unwavering.
Faithful as the dawning morning,
Ever expected.
Like the velvet sky of night...
Your hand gently guides me.
Turning me away from dangers,
Hidden along the narrow path.
Turning my heart away
From broken commandments,
Keeping my eyes ever steady on you.
Your light shines,
A constant guide.
Like a lighthouse,
In a storm.
Ever warding lost ships,
From the death of a sheer rock face.
God, my guide...
Keep me in your arms of guidence.

its like falling asleep in class...

man, so far today has been well... almost outta control. remember that insane babysitting i talked about recently. well, this is the fourth day of me doing so. i will say, it gets you pretty tired. i really wish i could go to sleep. but- i cant. (lets see... one, two, three... yep seven kids... i mean its definitely not the largest number of kids ive babysat. but still.)
guess what, a few more hours and we'll be home bound. ahhh, i cant wait to sleep in my own bed. im pretty excited to go home. i mean, i cant say i havent enjoyed myself at all. there were some great things about coming down here, aside for the the debate i had to watch and the babysitting getting crazy... haha! man last night during the debate, i almost fell asleep (and more than once too.) it was pretty funny. its a good thing my mom didnt see. she would not have been happy. it was fun to laughing to myself, every time i did.

fast food is deadly...

awww... being out of town, where you are babysitting insane cousins and where your uncle is trying to get you to do his chores. where everyone sleeps until 12:00 and eats fast food every meal. (at least the two they get in.) but then again i guess they get in three, cause they stay out and are awake until somewhere around 1:oo every morning. go figure.
we however went roller skating last night. it was pretty fun. i am happy to say that i only fell once, playing whip- lash with my aunt and uncle. hopefully, i will be able to put up a few of the pictures from our skate trip. we'll see, if i can get a hold of the camera. well, thats about it.

flying, demented rabbits...

well, we're going out of town again. but- will for sure, be back on monday.
man, last night i had a few weird dreams. i'll only put down one. okay, well in my dream i was in my room, when i saw a bunny rabbit. so i went to go pet it. and it flew at my face, i freaked out! i put the cat in there and left the room. a few minutes later, i went in again and there were like four more rabbits, all as demented as the first. so, i went to get the vaccum cleaner. (haha) but- as i was going a rabbit stated to scream. yes! the cat got one! then as i bent down to pick it up, another one came at me so i picked up the nearest object and smashed it. and- it lived, so i threw the object (which i found to be a wooden spoon). then........ it died. i cant say that i really remember what happened next. i think i pretty much did the same thing over and over again. so ya...

lost in translation...

well, i just found out that most of the other people going on the mission trip already sent out their letters. and guess what, i havent. but- i have a reason that i wish wasnt a reason. my mom wanted to go through it with me and correct everthing that didnt seem right to her. which all in all isnt a bad thing. but, i wish we could have done it sooner. cause i feel left behind... and am worried that it wont send it out soon enough, and wont get the support needed. (at which time i would put my own money in.) then again, if its Gods will that i go, he will provide the way.
*okay, i have a question. have you ever put hope in something, and then suddenly you realize that youve been looking at it like a dream? then you doubt whether or not you should have hope about ... (qoute, dot dot dot, unquote.) and you confuse yourself, cause you want to have hope but you dont want to waste it in something that you almost know for sure wont matter. so after confusing yourself and to some extent, upsetting yourself, you realize that theres nothing you can really do but pray about it. man, then the wait... "is it your will God? or is it not? whats going to happen!!??"
*then to twist your thoughts more, you think about how it was in Gods will to have you feel that way. to be confused over a true or false hope.
well, thats about all i can say. for the time being. so until later posts... ttyl.

drowning...

i feel like i'm drowning in an endless knife ocean of; chores, school, upcoming events, the need for money (jobs), and daily struggles. one wrong move and, all is lost. it seems like i take two steps forward and ten back. but then again it's life. i know. but hey i can complain. jk.
i thought this next school year was going to be better than this past one but- i was wrong. next year is going to be even worse. then again what was i thinking... its a new grade which means more less enjoyable work. man, physics... who wants to do physics? i'm still trying to convince my mom other wise. but it doesn't seem to be working. any suggestions?
on another note... the mission trip is coming up. and i'm really happy and excited to be doing that. let me tell you, i had some second thoughts. i wasn't sure if i was doing something i wanted or something God wanted. so, i've prayed about it. and don't feel the want to go, any less extreme. but- then again, how do i know that i'm not telling myself to feel that way? ahhh, its all pretty confusing. i think thats the last way i should be feeling though. i guess i need to stop confusing myself and just trust in God... please everyone pray for this situation...

...life-less and breathing...

wow, i have no idea how this wasn't already done. but- i have two days until i have to turn in the deposit for wildwood. so, i'm a little worried. everyone cross your fingers and hope i get it turned in on time.
man, i stayed up until 4:15 am two nights ago. and i'm still try to recover. lol! we watched; corpse bride, elizabethtown, and king kong. by the end of king kong only two people we're a wake. and i being one of them, was awake until 4:15. man, then ontop of that, a few hours shy of me falling asleep, i was woken by a bean bag hitting me in the face.* revenge was taken.* so, i'm feeling kinda life-less. and for some strange reason, i decided to go to morning mana today. i felt kinda bad, cause i almost fell asleep during it. i could have fallen asleep right there, in starbucks, with all those people standing around. i was so close to giving in. but- i fought the embarrassment, and prevailed. i could have gotten a tea or coffee, but i'm on a budget... so no caffeinated drink for me.
we went to the farmers market yesterday. it was pretty fun, lots of food. but- i didn't get to have any. oh well... at least i got to go into a few stores. and i ran into a few friends while i was there. so anyways, i'll talk to you all later.

a little emo, i know...

you know i've felt pretty lonely these past weeks. but- then somewhere in the middle of it, i asked the question," am i really all that lonely? why am i making myself feel that way?" so, i decided that i would use the time i had alone, to get into a deep bible study. and i slowly started to forget... instead of feeling depressed and lonely, i felt very content. God, is so awesome! Hes always there, so you can never really be lonely. it feels so good to know, that you can always depend on him. i mean, i knew that before, but- i guess i didn't pay a whole lot of attention in that area. i'm pretty sure, He used this time to point that out to me and to get closer with my fam.
God is good.

late nights early mornings

man! it has been pretty crazy... we have been jumping from one place to another, since we've been out of town. and yet, there still remains some jumping to do. needless to say, there has been late nights and early mornings, to go along with all of this. so anyways...
let me tell you, i violated the law. well, my mom's law anyways... not purposely. (i would never do a thing like that.) it is known that i am lactose. but- because i really wanted a frappachino, i decided that it wouldn't be that big of a deal if i had one. cause, i haven't had dairy for a while and when i do that, i can usually have a little. i was wrong. let me tell you, i haven't had a stomach like that for a long time. so i've changed my thought in that area," i think after you haven't had dairy for a long time, and you randomly decide to have it, the stomachs are worse."
the civil war dance is in a few days... which means, that my dress, thats still ripped from the last dance, needs to be fixed. but- at least its not a really big thing. (its only the waste band.) i'm pretty excited. my first one, was a little confusing. for many different reasons. some of which i can't really explain. so, this year i'll be better prepared. hopefully.
i still haven't found my electric violin... so or those of you who have connections in that area. please let me know if you come across any cool ones. well, i will talk to you all later.

window decorating...

well, i had fun decorating some friends window last night. (this happened around 12:30 p.m.) all we pretty much did was draw a bunch of weird pictures, and tape them all over their bedroom window. our goal was to cover the whole window, but- because we were short on time, and paper... we covered most of the window. but, it was enough that we were satisfied. well, thats all i have time to say. i have some things that need to be done, so i'll have to be going. talk to you all later.

turning silent pages (poem.)

the sadness now is fading,
falling away.
fading like the light of day.
almost as light now,
as the mist of an early moring.
the heaviness is lifting,
lifting each day.
it's easy to look back now.
to look back at the pain and saddness.
to see tha struggles... that have passed away.
and are now going cold in their grave.
never to rise again.
never to be seen, felt, or heard.
as silent as a reading book.
forever the pages turn,
silently.
so the story in written...
and it will continue to write.
write without stopping.
writing about how the saddness was fading.
like dry grass set a-fire,
on a blazing hot day.