Claude Monet

Today I feel peaceful. The melody in my head is like Matt Costa's song Astair, smooth and calm. I didn't wake up too early this morning... 7:30 is a hard time to classify. It's kind of in the middle, as far as early and late goes. I enjoyed a perfect cup of coffee and got myself ready for the day. I find myself not hungry at all. All I wanted was coffee this morning, and now tea. Lately, I have either been nauseated and turned off to food or ravenous. What's the deal with this?! Before I sat down to type this post, I was cleaning and registering for classes in the fall. I have a rather full load this coming semester. i think that I am taking about 15 or 16 units. Usually that would frighten me, but at the moment I just feel ready for it. In the back of my head I can hear a little voice saying," Overwhelming... You're gonna cry and be discouraged..." I ignore it and defy it at the same time.

There is a possibility that we may be going to the circus tonight. I can't tell how I feel about this. I have never been fond of clowns. I suppose there's a time to overcome every phobia. Though, i guess i can't apply that for all phobias. I think that I will forever be scared of spiders, dark water, and zombies. Better said, maybe there is a time to overcome every "small-ish" phobia. Perhaps I will put off overcoming my fear of clowns in favor of renting a movie and a bag of skittles (supposing that I am not nauseated by the thought of food by then).

I am loving Matt Costa.

Cinnamon Almonds On Airplanes

I was thinking about airplanes today. I was thinking about how scared I am of them. This is not a fear of a little turbulence or even of crashing. Every time I get on a plane, I think," This could be the last time anyone ever sees me. I could die, sitting next to this guy who I don't even know (as he shifts in his seat and pulls out a tissue to blow his nose)." After my morbid thoughts of death, I pray unceasingly," Oh please God, not like this... I want to come home to you, but not like this..." Then as the plane finally lifts off the ground, I am completely struck with panic. It's almost like I start going crazy. I can feel my hands twitch to twist their fingers in my hair and just pull. My arms grip tensely to the arm rests... There is such an overwhelming panic that I feel like I could just blow up. Blow up, and all my pieces would go all over the nose blower guy. I can already imagine him pulling out more tissues, from his hidden stash, to wipe up the red mess of me on his short sleeve, button up shirt and yellow tie. Its all just morbid morbid morbid.

You know, 911 has permanently caused me mental harm. The above paragraph is somewhat silly and imaginative, but this I say in all seriousness. I'll never forget that day, ever. I'll never forget the nightmares that followed suit for months... It was already a hard time then. My mom had just almost died from a miscarriage. When she came home from the hospital, she was bed ridden. I remember how still everything was. Looking back, it was all very hazy feeling. Like it was dusk all the time. Even on the inside of our house. So, when the TV started playing these clips, with my mom asleep on the couch in front of the screen, it felt like the end of the world. I still remember my first plane ride after that. I was scared to death. Sad to say, but a man, with the same look as the terrorists, kindly smiled at me as he passed down the narrow isle, and I started crying. I feel horrible about it. But, I was young and terrified.

(Enough of this depressed look back)I was also thinking about how it would benefit the airlines' business if they started serving cinnamon almonds with drinks, instead of the salty peanuts. Don't get me wrong, I love those peanuts... I also loved the honey roasted peanuts they used to give out... However, if I had to choose, I would without a doubt go with the cinnamon almonds. I just got two bags of them when we went to Trader Joe's today. I don't really like sharing them, and typically don't. I don't necessarily "hide" them per say. I put them in the nut drawer in the fridge, or the dried fruit and nut basket in the cupboard... No one really gets into either of those places. I don't know why... I love nuts and dried fruit... But I also put them where they belong, knowing that no one looks in those places for snacks:) Does that count as "hiding"?

Sunset on the Pier

The Garden Spider

sometimes i sit alone in our backyard purely for the solitude. to just feel the suns warmth and the whisper of the wind through the trees and to think. right now, all the flowers in are in bloom. its all so rich and colorful looking. all the different shades of purple, pink and yellow... some orange here, a little white there, a bit of red, and tons of green.

our squash plant has really grown. the mint and tomato has as well, but the squash outstandingly so. i love how big the squash leaves are. they are so gorgeous. i love being able to see all the detail. the honeysuckle is beautiful and so sweet. technically, though, we didnt plant the honeysuckle, so its not really ours. it has grown over our fence from our neighbors yard. the only thing that i can complain about with the honeysuckle, is that it is full of garden spiders. those spiders get huge! they are big and hairy and like to jump out at you. i guess, it is prime real estate for them... it does smell nice. and i spose they dont jump out at you... they blend in very nicely with all the foliage so when you see them, its too late.

so there you are, bending over to smell the flowers, when all of the sudden, BAM! there is a huge, ugly, hairy, eight-legged thing right in front of your face. just your luck, it starts to move. then, you fiercely throw yourself backwards and start brushing your arms and legs and searching your hair. you stop- and look down to find the evil little creature (probably enjoying its little trick). there he is. sure enough, sitting there staring at you. even though you can see him right there, you still have goosebumps and are convinced that he is on you. your zeal for time in the glorious backyard has disappeared, and you head for cover inside.

My Day

Banana Pancakes
Coffee
Shopping carts of fresh fruit
Dahlias
Missing
Guitar
Priscilla Ahn
Blueberries and Asian Pears
Day dreams
Stories
Accidental dairy intake
Peppermint tea
Paninis
French Kiss (the movie)
Cleaning
Thumb
Wet Towles
Imagining
Lists
Romantic Dramas

Things Girls Do

Today, I was thinking and wondering about why we do some of the things we do. Most the time guys don't do these things. I am sure there are exceptions... I may even know a few guys who are the exception. However, I think there are very few.

For example:

Why do we instantly want a cup of tea when we are sad? I know that I'm not the only one who does this. This isn't the reason behind every cup of tea. Still, it is one of them.

How in the world do we find mopping the floor or vacuuming therapeutic?

What calm is there in folding laundry? Is it the warmth of clean towels freshly out of the dryer? Or is it that the job is completely mindless, so we can dwell on other things or nothing at all?

Why do we find freedom in driving barefoot? (I do love that)

More often than not, a girl will be planning her wedding from the time she is ten until she is actually married. Why? It's so far off from there... and when we are older, we never know when the process will begin. haha

How is it that when a girlfriend is critiquing herself, we completely deny her self picking, genuinely mean it... But then when the girlfriend, in turn, does the same for you, you don't believe a word she says?

Am I the only one who daydreams while doing the dishes?

Why do we have a compulsive drive to compare ourselves with other girls? Which only results in us being unhappy about ourselves and is also the effect of the previous question. We know that we are going to be completely upset afterward. Even if we don't show it on the outside, we are internally agonizing over ourselves and thinking of ways to "make it better."

What is it about flowers that make us so excited? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE flowers. I can never decide on a favorite. Sunflowers seem like the most perfect flower, but then Dahlias are so gorgeous... Tulips are so simple and classy, but Orchids are exotically beautiful. Daisies are cheerful and friendly, but Sweet Peas really are sweet. See what I mean??

There are many more things... I just decided that maybe listing all of them isn't the best idea. Haha. It'll just prove how silly we all can be.

Whatever the reason is (and this is going to sound cliche), I still love being a girl. Even when I know that I am being silly:)

Baking Blueberries

What You Need:
1 stick of butter, room temperature (plus more for the pan)
2 cups of all-purpose flour (plus more for the pan)
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 cups of fresh blueberries
1 cup of sugar
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup of milk

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Generously butter a standard 12-cup muffin pan and dust with flour, tapping out excess; set aside. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Working over bowl, toss blueberries in a fine sieve with about 1 1/2 teaspoons of the flour mixture to lightly coat; set aside flour mixture and blueberries.

In the bowl of an electric mixture fitted with the paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until combined. Mix in vanilla.

Withe the mixer on low speed, add the reserved flour mixture, beating until just combined. Add milk, beating until just combined; dont over mix. Using rubber spatula, fold in blueberries. Divide the batter evenly among the prepared muffin cups.

Bake, rotating the pan half way through, until the muffins are golden brown and a cake tester inserted in the center of the muffin comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Transfer pan to cooling rack to cool for 10 minutes.

Morning Cup Of Coffee

for some reason when i sat down to write, i thought of the movie "you've got mail." i thought of how she would refer to her emails as sending her thoughts out into the cosmic void. i guess thats how typing a blog feels for me. i dont know who will get on and read the words that flow from my finger tips, to and through the key board, to my screen. and yet- i type them and publish them to the world wide web anyways... knowing that possibly, no one is reading. when you think about it, its kinda strange.
i once met a guy who would have called this "mans pitiful outreach for some attention..." pitiful outreaching for recognition. he would go into a long monologue about how we are desperate creatures who cant seem to live without acknowledgement. he would tell me again of how when a person walks into a room, they automatically look for some one they know or to see if anyone is looking at them at all. he would tell me how stupid that looks and, again, how pitiful and desperate. following that up by making an example of the next poor soul to walk in the room. if "he" knew about my blog, i am sure he would associate posting blogs to a cosmic void as exactly the same.
how i attract these people, ive know idea. he just walked up and sat next to me. before i knew it, he was monologuing. he seemed to disappear when we got on the topic of religion and i told him that i was a christian. he couldnt get me to see eye to eye with his thoughts and ideas on religion and God. haha. he was one of those people... he tried really hard to get me to say that i dont actually believe in God or our loving Savior. he failed. so he disappeared.

the coffee machine just made its "im finished" beep. oh how lovely a cup of coffee sounds. i cant wait. i dont know what it is about a perfectly made cup coffee in the morning... doctored up to just the right amount of creaminess and sweetness. it just completes the morning.