Claude Monet

Today I feel peaceful. The melody in my head is like Matt Costa's song Astair, smooth and calm. I didn't wake up too early this morning... 7:30 is a hard time to classify. It's kind of in the middle, as far as early and late goes. I enjoyed a perfect cup of coffee and got myself ready for the day. I find myself not hungry at all. All I wanted was coffee this morning, and now tea. Lately, I have either been nauseated and turned off to food or ravenous. What's the deal with this?! Before I sat down to type this post, I was cleaning and registering for classes in the fall. I have a rather full load this coming semester. i think that I am taking about 15 or 16 units. Usually that would frighten me, but at the moment I just feel ready for it. In the back of my head I can hear a little voice saying," Overwhelming... You're gonna cry and be discouraged..." I ignore it and defy it at the same time.

There is a possibility that we may be going to the circus tonight. I can't tell how I feel about this. I have never been fond of clowns. I suppose there's a time to overcome every phobia. Though, i guess i can't apply that for all phobias. I think that I will forever be scared of spiders, dark water, and zombies. Better said, maybe there is a time to overcome every "small-ish" phobia. Perhaps I will put off overcoming my fear of clowns in favor of renting a movie and a bag of skittles (supposing that I am not nauseated by the thought of food by then).

I am loving Matt Costa.

Cinnamon Almonds On Airplanes

I was thinking about airplanes today. I was thinking about how scared I am of them. This is not a fear of a little turbulence or even of crashing. Every time I get on a plane, I think," This could be the last time anyone ever sees me. I could die, sitting next to this guy who I don't even know (as he shifts in his seat and pulls out a tissue to blow his nose)." After my morbid thoughts of death, I pray unceasingly," Oh please God, not like this... I want to come home to you, but not like this..." Then as the plane finally lifts off the ground, I am completely struck with panic. It's almost like I start going crazy. I can feel my hands twitch to twist their fingers in my hair and just pull. My arms grip tensely to the arm rests... There is such an overwhelming panic that I feel like I could just blow up. Blow up, and all my pieces would go all over the nose blower guy. I can already imagine him pulling out more tissues, from his hidden stash, to wipe up the red mess of me on his short sleeve, button up shirt and yellow tie. Its all just morbid morbid morbid.

You know, 911 has permanently caused me mental harm. The above paragraph is somewhat silly and imaginative, but this I say in all seriousness. I'll never forget that day, ever. I'll never forget the nightmares that followed suit for months... It was already a hard time then. My mom had just almost died from a miscarriage. When she came home from the hospital, she was bed ridden. I remember how still everything was. Looking back, it was all very hazy feeling. Like it was dusk all the time. Even on the inside of our house. So, when the TV started playing these clips, with my mom asleep on the couch in front of the screen, it felt like the end of the world. I still remember my first plane ride after that. I was scared to death. Sad to say, but a man, with the same look as the terrorists, kindly smiled at me as he passed down the narrow isle, and I started crying. I feel horrible about it. But, I was young and terrified.

(Enough of this depressed look back)I was also thinking about how it would benefit the airlines' business if they started serving cinnamon almonds with drinks, instead of the salty peanuts. Don't get me wrong, I love those peanuts... I also loved the honey roasted peanuts they used to give out... However, if I had to choose, I would without a doubt go with the cinnamon almonds. I just got two bags of them when we went to Trader Joe's today. I don't really like sharing them, and typically don't. I don't necessarily "hide" them per say. I put them in the nut drawer in the fridge, or the dried fruit and nut basket in the cupboard... No one really gets into either of those places. I don't know why... I love nuts and dried fruit... But I also put them where they belong, knowing that no one looks in those places for snacks:) Does that count as "hiding"?

Sunset on the Pier

The Garden Spider

sometimes i sit alone in our backyard purely for the solitude. to just feel the suns warmth and the whisper of the wind through the trees and to think. right now, all the flowers in are in bloom. its all so rich and colorful looking. all the different shades of purple, pink and yellow... some orange here, a little white there, a bit of red, and tons of green.

our squash plant has really grown. the mint and tomato has as well, but the squash outstandingly so. i love how big the squash leaves are. they are so gorgeous. i love being able to see all the detail. the honeysuckle is beautiful and so sweet. technically, though, we didnt plant the honeysuckle, so its not really ours. it has grown over our fence from our neighbors yard. the only thing that i can complain about with the honeysuckle, is that it is full of garden spiders. those spiders get huge! they are big and hairy and like to jump out at you. i guess, it is prime real estate for them... it does smell nice. and i spose they dont jump out at you... they blend in very nicely with all the foliage so when you see them, its too late.

so there you are, bending over to smell the flowers, when all of the sudden, BAM! there is a huge, ugly, hairy, eight-legged thing right in front of your face. just your luck, it starts to move. then, you fiercely throw yourself backwards and start brushing your arms and legs and searching your hair. you stop- and look down to find the evil little creature (probably enjoying its little trick). there he is. sure enough, sitting there staring at you. even though you can see him right there, you still have goosebumps and are convinced that he is on you. your zeal for time in the glorious backyard has disappeared, and you head for cover inside.

My Day

Banana Pancakes
Coffee
Shopping carts of fresh fruit
Dahlias
Missing
Guitar
Priscilla Ahn
Blueberries and Asian Pears
Day dreams
Stories
Accidental dairy intake
Peppermint tea
Paninis
French Kiss (the movie)
Cleaning
Thumb
Wet Towles
Imagining
Lists
Romantic Dramas

Things Girls Do

Today, I was thinking and wondering about why we do some of the things we do. Most the time guys don't do these things. I am sure there are exceptions... I may even know a few guys who are the exception. However, I think there are very few.

For example:

Why do we instantly want a cup of tea when we are sad? I know that I'm not the only one who does this. This isn't the reason behind every cup of tea. Still, it is one of them.

How in the world do we find mopping the floor or vacuuming therapeutic?

What calm is there in folding laundry? Is it the warmth of clean towels freshly out of the dryer? Or is it that the job is completely mindless, so we can dwell on other things or nothing at all?

Why do we find freedom in driving barefoot? (I do love that)

More often than not, a girl will be planning her wedding from the time she is ten until she is actually married. Why? It's so far off from there... and when we are older, we never know when the process will begin. haha

How is it that when a girlfriend is critiquing herself, we completely deny her self picking, genuinely mean it... But then when the girlfriend, in turn, does the same for you, you don't believe a word she says?

Am I the only one who daydreams while doing the dishes?

Why do we have a compulsive drive to compare ourselves with other girls? Which only results in us being unhappy about ourselves and is also the effect of the previous question. We know that we are going to be completely upset afterward. Even if we don't show it on the outside, we are internally agonizing over ourselves and thinking of ways to "make it better."

What is it about flowers that make us so excited? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE flowers. I can never decide on a favorite. Sunflowers seem like the most perfect flower, but then Dahlias are so gorgeous... Tulips are so simple and classy, but Orchids are exotically beautiful. Daisies are cheerful and friendly, but Sweet Peas really are sweet. See what I mean??

There are many more things... I just decided that maybe listing all of them isn't the best idea. Haha. It'll just prove how silly we all can be.

Whatever the reason is (and this is going to sound cliche), I still love being a girl. Even when I know that I am being silly:)

Baking Blueberries

What You Need:
1 stick of butter, room temperature (plus more for the pan)
2 cups of all-purpose flour (plus more for the pan)
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
2 cups of fresh blueberries
1 cup of sugar
2 teaspoons of pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup of milk

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Generously butter a standard 12-cup muffin pan and dust with flour, tapping out excess; set aside. In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Working over bowl, toss blueberries in a fine sieve with about 1 1/2 teaspoons of the flour mixture to lightly coat; set aside flour mixture and blueberries.

In the bowl of an electric mixture fitted with the paddle attachment, beat butter and sugar on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating until combined. Mix in vanilla.

Withe the mixer on low speed, add the reserved flour mixture, beating until just combined. Add milk, beating until just combined; dont over mix. Using rubber spatula, fold in blueberries. Divide the batter evenly among the prepared muffin cups.

Bake, rotating the pan half way through, until the muffins are golden brown and a cake tester inserted in the center of the muffin comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Transfer pan to cooling rack to cool for 10 minutes.

Morning Cup Of Coffee

for some reason when i sat down to write, i thought of the movie "you've got mail." i thought of how she would refer to her emails as sending her thoughts out into the cosmic void. i guess thats how typing a blog feels for me. i dont know who will get on and read the words that flow from my finger tips, to and through the key board, to my screen. and yet- i type them and publish them to the world wide web anyways... knowing that possibly, no one is reading. when you think about it, its kinda strange.
i once met a guy who would have called this "mans pitiful outreach for some attention..." pitiful outreaching for recognition. he would go into a long monologue about how we are desperate creatures who cant seem to live without acknowledgement. he would tell me again of how when a person walks into a room, they automatically look for some one they know or to see if anyone is looking at them at all. he would tell me how stupid that looks and, again, how pitiful and desperate. following that up by making an example of the next poor soul to walk in the room. if "he" knew about my blog, i am sure he would associate posting blogs to a cosmic void as exactly the same.
how i attract these people, ive know idea. he just walked up and sat next to me. before i knew it, he was monologuing. he seemed to disappear when we got on the topic of religion and i told him that i was a christian. he couldnt get me to see eye to eye with his thoughts and ideas on religion and God. haha. he was one of those people... he tried really hard to get me to say that i dont actually believe in God or our loving Savior. he failed. so he disappeared.

the coffee machine just made its "im finished" beep. oh how lovely a cup of coffee sounds. i cant wait. i dont know what it is about a perfectly made cup coffee in the morning... doctored up to just the right amount of creaminess and sweetness. it just completes the morning.

Dancing

I love the feeling of dancing. The motion is so peaceful. I, in no way claim to be a good dancer, however, the feeling a completely conquered dance brings is so amazing. What was once so straining and mentally tiring, now feels like the softness of rain or like the gentle delivery of Debussy's Clair De Lune. Ah, I just love it! Today, I can feel that feeling as if it were the air that I breathe; a steady flow, inhale exhale.

All this talk of dance has reminded me that I need a new pair of pointe shoes. I just got a new pair of soft shoes (the old ones had holes in the toe, and I was constantly stubbing them when while I was dancing). New pointe shoes aren't like new soft shoes. You get almost instant gratification with soft shoes. They take a day to mold to your feet and a few more to get used to the new feeling. Pointe shoes take a little longer and aren't nearly as comfortable. I wonder if i should try lambs wool instead of toe pads with my point shoes. Lately, I have heard that it is a little more comfortable.

Day Dreams In Atsronomy

Well, I'm blogging finally. As i sit here, I find it hard to find anything of interest to talk about. Nothing that would interest anyone but myself that is. Today was the average school day, with chores in between.

I guess this all I have to work with:

Finals are coming up. I think that I feel pretty ready for my math final, however, the thought of my Astronomy final is going to give me an ulcer. But I won't dwell on unhappy thoughts. I am glad to be almost done with this semester and soon to be moving onto a new one.

Right now, I'm listening to Divine Discontent by Sixpence None the Richer. For some reason, this song reminds me of Jordie Lindsey. I don't know why. Maybe when we were little, we would listen to them while we sat on her bedroom floor writing and drawing. For some reason, when I think back on those times, I think of us doing us exactly that but it always feels like it was summer. And the lighting is always like the lighting a dream would have.

I have felt so day dreamy today. It was one of those days where I sat in class and suddenly had all these ideas and ways to phrase things for my stories that I had been stuck on. I am glad to have burst through the writers block, however, it would have been nice if it wasn't during class. But what can i do? Haha. Outside of that, I was just completely encompassed in my own thoughts. Sometimes, I get lost in there. Thoughts can be such a tangled mess sometimes. I didn't even really talk today.

Before I go on too much longer about things non-consequential and boring, I'll stop right there.

Stars on My Toes

I stepped into the sea, and fell into a garden scene. The flowers were all in bloom, in this place where the sun is the moon. Rays of light danced on the sand beneath my toes and stars grew on trees in endless, brilliant rows.

Wonderings and Wanderings

this morning i woke up and realized how blessed i am. i knew i was blessed, but today i woke up and really looked at it. there are so many people in my life that i love so dearly. i have such a wonderful family, that i wouldnt trade for anything. i have friends that i love like family and consider them to be so. they are family not just in this life, but spiritually as well. i want to tell you all how much i love you and care for you. i thank God that He saw fit to place you all in my life.

you dont keep every friend and acquaintance that you come across. though a person may be a friend for a while, they dont always stay. as i look back at all the faces that have come and gone, i think of the things i learned or the ways that i was blessed through knowing them. even though they are no longer there in my everyday life, i still thank God for having them pass through. even the painful things that came along with the coming and going of people, i thank Him for. because i know that He brought a purpose that stretched me through it.

today is elle's birthday. she is nine years old today. she has requested what most of us request for dinner on our birthdays, chicken upside down cornbread:) well its either that or sushi:) i am so excited to give noelle her gifts. i love it! holly is sitting in my lap right now. lately she has been sitting a little on her own. she isnt using my stomach as a prop or my arms that reach past her to the keyboard. she is getting bigger!! she keeps bending down and eating her toes. so sweet:) i am thinking of the day that she turns nine. oh my word! that is so far away! i wonder where we all will be in our lives then...

today i feel like i dont know what to do with myself. there are so many things that i would love to do: paint, write, play piano or guitar, surf, dance, read... and yet the consistent beckoning of school is keeping me away from such pleasures. so i feel torn. between both pleasure and duty.

Last Train Ride ( late post )

Well this train is taking me home. I am always sad to leave but happy to be home. It is so confusing at times. How can you be so sad yet happy about the process and outcome of the same thing? It doesn’t make any sense to me. It is like torture. It is like a vicious cycle. You think,” how could I be so happy to leave!? Then you think,” but I am excited to be home,” missing the people there. After which you feel bad for being sad about being happy to be home. Feeling like you made the loved ones there less important. The same thing happens for the family you are leaving. It repeats itself for both places. I spose this is just how it goes with these things.

It was a good trip. Dad got home Friday morning and we all just spent time hanging around the house. Saturday brought grandma and grandpa and sushi; a late birthday for me(: I ran some errands with dad a few times. I always like to do that. They are all going to be coming out for my graduation. I am excited about that. They will stay through the weekend. Hopefully I’ll get to take dad surfing. I asked him if he would go out with me, and he said that he would(: they aren’t really sure where they will be staying yet. It is still pending.

Oh man… these things make me so motion sick. But there is nothing I can do about it! There is no window to look out of… and I can’t just sit here doing nothing. I mean this is like a six-hour trip. We are coming up to Ventura soon, half way home. Its almost five. I have spent the time so far reading and watching “Step Into Liquid.” I finished the latter but was so sick after that and reading that I had to stop reading. So I didn’t finish the book. If I were being studious, I would be reading my astronomy book. However, I fail at being studious.

I got a few Barnes N Noble cards. I am pretty excited. I miss reading! After I read the Twilight trilogy, I have just been aching for some good books. Before that I was reading the classics. I just need a break from them. I love them! Don’t get be wrong. But after a time of reading pretty much nothing but (outside of school reading of course) you get a little burnt out on them. So it is candy reading for a time. Haha! I bought “Stardust” to read on the train. Its good so far. I have a feeling that I am coming onto the good stuff.

I’m looking for a song to sing and play for my graduation, If I can’t write one and compose by then. Or if I have it might not be good… so suggestions are very welcome!! I was looking at a Priscilla Ahn song. I don’t know how many of you know her. If there is a song by her ( or even someone else ) that you think I should give a look into, let me know!!

Wow, another long post from a train. Sorry about that.

Morning From A Southbound Train

I’m on a southbound train. Got up at 5:30 this morning. I feel so dead right now. You know when you are so tired that you are nauseated? That’s me right now, too many early mornings and late nights in a row. Didn’t get coffee this morning either. I would sleep but I always have a hard time sleeping in public transportation. It feels awkward to me. Haha. Maybe I am just ridiculous.

I can’t complain too much. I have gotten to check out the surf all along the coast for the whole morning. I can’t say that I have seen any good surf this morning. I think there were a few surfable areas though:) I have wanted to surf so badly these last few days.

I miss surfing. I used to be able to surf so much before school. Well, I had school then too, just not classes that I had to be at. It was all home classes then with no scheduled homework (at least last year), giving me a lot of free time to surf. Those were the days. I’ll make up for it though. I am going to start going more. Especially in the summer. Which- I have a goal set for, by the way. I hope I can reach it. I’ll have some help though:)

It’s so gorgeous right now! I can’t remember the technical name for them, but the flats next to the ocean are so amazing! The grass is long and a beautiful green. I saw two deer in one. In another, a little flock of birds flew out of a thicket, and I wondered what startled them? Most likely this train… it could have been something else. Or maybe they just decided they were bored of their current thicket and decided to move on to a better one. I felt kinda envious of them. They get to live in such a choice spot, over looking the ocean. It gives me a little reminder of God’s glory. He has created such wondrous things. Sometimes I forget to really appreciate them as I should. I just get caught up in whatever the day brings or has scheduled. It’s good to just sit and appreciate God’s handy work. Lol!

I love passing by the houses and seeing surfboards in the backyards. It makes me smile. The water isn’t visible anymore. Which, is why I am on here.

I can’t wait to go to sleep. Though I don’t know how early I’ll be able to. I never sleep well when I am down there. Speaking of sleep, I just watched a drowsy lady stumble down the stairway. She had been sleeping the whole time she was on the train. Don’t know why that was amusing, but it was.

You know, I realized that I love beach towns. I love their quirky one way streets, the clustered funky colored little beach houses, the surfers running with their boards down to the water, all the surf shops, contrary to how most people feel about the sand, I love it, not all beach towns have them, but I love the piers too. I would love to live on the beach and have access to surf every morning. It seems like such a quaint, simple lifestyle. I could care less about big expensive houses, big expensive cars, going to expensive places all the time, and having ALL the latest and greatest… give me surf and sand over that any day.

The Trees

" If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
~Jack Handy

Vintage Cherry Blossoms

i cant believe that i gave into this. i told myself that i wouldnt get on because i have to be up so early tomorrow for school. and yet- here i am. my mind feels wide awake but my body is completely tired. when will my mind tire out? give me some room for rest? right now, it feels like never. i cant really list the things that are fogging my head. there are too many. its like my mind is desperately trying to come to some conclusion to these thoughts and clear them away for the night. usually coming to an end of a thought only brings forth another. i spose this is just how it goes. more often than not, this occurs. sometimes, keeping me up later than i would have imagined. time just slips away when your mind is clouded with, well, everything. everything in the sense that it feels like everything. i know its not everything...

i had just finished reading my Bible before this and found this verse:
" Come, let us walk in
the light of the Lord."
Is. 2:5

for some reason, this verse brought me a feeling of peace.

i am going to try to calm these cascading thoughts and settle down for the night. i have no idea how well this will work, but i am willing to fight for it. :)

God's Perfect Creation

Pleasurable

i had a wonderful day yesterday. i didnt do anything that most would consider wonderful or amazing. to some it might seem a normal, uneventful day. i found it quite the opposite.

mom and i texted from a our bedrooms, to start the morning off. she asked about coffee and breakfast... teased me a bit. the night before, i had decided that i would make scones to go with coffee the next morning. they turned out pretty good! although i really couldnt taste them much myself. my nose is still stuffy, which made it so i could only taste so much of it. that so much, was very little. i brought the scones to my parents, who sat in bed with holly. i love bringing them drink and food in bed. i dont know why. it just gives me a pleasurable feeling.

the moments following were spent cleaning the kitchen, talking with a friend over coffee, and getting ready for the day. at some point we decided that a target and starbucks run was in order.

target was a quick trip. in and out in less that 20 min. since we were next door to coehlos music store, we decided to get some new strings for his guitar (which needed changing really badly). of course, when we got back to my house, i ended up breaking one of the strings while trying to tune them, after putting on the new set.

i tried a new flavor in my misto; cinnamon dulche. it was so good! i think i like it better than toffee nut (my regular flavor). i think that cinnamon dulche will be my new regular. we stopped off at the used clothing store to drop off a few bags of goods, as a favor to my mom, and coehlos to get another set of strings. had some lunch, and then relocated. where we played guitar and had tea with homemade ginger snap cookies while we watched a movie. it was such a nice day.

all these little things were just so pleasurable. they wouldnt usually stand out as pleasurable... but- yesterday it was especially nice. just another one of those quiet, simple days that catch your attention every now and again. that reach out to you, in the midst of pure chaos. a rest before the next weekly plunge.

Bao Asian-style Steamed Buns

carissa i do believe you have awoken my desire to post. i had fallen out of the habit of posting. or, neglected it i should say.

i think this happened two mornings ago: i was asleep in bed when i heard some loud banging on the door. as you all know, i am now in the front room with noelle, and holly has our old room. you can imagine how loud it was... and whoever it was, was really banging hard on the door. dean came down the entry hall just in time to hear me yell. he said that i called out his name... i dont recall that at all. i just remember yelling. the point to this, is, it scared the heck out of me. what a way to start the day, yes?

for those of you who havent tried these things, i suggest that you do. i tried them for the first time today, and really liked them.


astronomy is screaming my name right now. it is sitting on my bed, pretty much staring me down.

i love the sound of rain just beginning to fall. a few randomly scattered drops... then the light patter of consistent fall... then the down pour. it makes me smile.

On the Surface

well school is going well... i spose. i am starting to like my astronomy class better everyday. although, there is a lot of homework sometimes. my first test is soon. well, in about two weeks. my professor was pretty cool about the test yesterday. he gave us some answers to questions that might be on the test. got that written down. haha!

i have had an ongoing flow of ideas for art and writing and music. though, i am always afraid to post them online. worried that someone might steal the ideas. which is sad, because id love to share them with you all! well, those of you that i know, who read my blog. needless say, i am excited about pursuing these ideas.

i think that i would really like to get some kind of degree in art. for the moment, i will just work on getting my general ed out of the way. squeezing in what i can for art.

my birthday was wonderful! my family took me out to sushi on saturday and gave me a surfboard! i am still stoked. i havent gone out with it yet. okay i take that back... it was a used board from panchos. a board that i have used almost every time i go out. so i have surfed with it:) thanks adam, crissy, and nathan! i had a great time on sunday:)

p.s. nathan!! (*high piched voice*)